When a kid needs the win

Yesterday I posted about playing games in youth group. In short, I said that leaders shouldn't aim to win games, unless challenged. Then they can unleash an ominous fury.

Last night I played a game in violation of the guidelines I give my leaders.

I "arranged" the outcome of a game in order to give a kid who needed it a win.

Sure, something unexpected could have happened and my plan could have failed, but I trusted that I could maintain enough of the variables so that the last two people in the game were myself and the in-need-of-a-win teen.

And win he did.

Now, in the previous round the guy had been one of the final handful surviving so it was completely plausible that everything was legit, but... he had some assistance when he was victorious.

So, for a few moments...
At the end of a tough week...
In front of everyone...
At a game I previously declared that I was pretty good at...
He beat the leader...

Because he needed the win.

And, when he was picked up, I made sure to mention that he beat me.
Because his Mum needed to hear that he won also.

When you can humble the kids

I've written before that youth group leaders should strive to achieve no higher than bronze in any game which is played. Ideally, leaders should never win an activity outright - using their advanced experience, co-ordination and general skill - sine they have an unfair advantage.

In a team situation, you shouldn't skew the game heavily in your favour just because you've played a few hundred games of dodgeball and have literally practiced throwing a ball at an unsuspecting victim thousands of times.

But, there is a time when you can crush a teen in competition.

When they challenge you.

If you challenge me at pool or snooker... I'll normally win. Decisively.
If you challenge me at table tennis... I won't go easy on you.
If you challenge me in a game like boggle, I might allow you to get close.

Now, in light of the "manipulation" which may be required to avoid winning, you might feel like you're hustling the kids...

And sure, if a kid's at youth group for the first time, you might not want to mercilessly wipe the floor with them...

But for a regular teen with the gall to call you out (especially teenage boys!)?
Let the light-hearted humbling begin...

Why a youth minister's marriage matters for others

I started this post about having older Christian examples of the opposite gender by asking the question "What does a Christian man actually look like?"

I ask because, for many youth and young adults, they have very few examples due to the absent Boomer generation in many churches.

But, I wonder, would I get a similarly hazy response to the question "What does a Christian marriage look like?"

Now, depending on the demographics within your church, there may be a plethora of marriages for you to observe. But, alike the situation created by the lack of the immediate generation above, there may be far fewer "first-decade marriages between two Christians" to observe and learn from.

This is especially important for a youth minister if they are married.

For, their marriage is the walking sermon of their dating and relationship talks. 

If you're going to recommend that marriage is something of value and a worthwhile relational investment, then you'd better back up those words with a type of marriage which is as healthy as possible.

Why?

Because, for some, when they think of a marriage between Christians, yours will be the one which springs into their mind first.

Youth ministry reading for the win

This weekend I go away on the first bi-annual youth group leader's weekend of 2015 and I just found what I was looking for.

Is it a relatively unstructured activity to do on the Saturday afternoon?
Nope. I still haven't found that.
Is it the bad 1980's Christian music to wake them up with?
Nope. I left that at home.

Instead, it's the short youth ministry resource which I'll give them to read, and hopefully, engage with.

Whilst this isn't my first leader's weekend away, since I've hosted around a dozen across two churches, I've only started giving written resources to my leaders recently.

Why?

Because 200 page youth ministry books are intimidating.
And sometimes boring.

BUT, I want to give them solid input about what it is to be an effective youth group leader.

So, if I find a decent 20-30 page e-book about youth ministry, or a topic within, I'll put it in their hands.

It's only fair for them, since a part of my job is to equip and train them.

It also pays off for me since it opens them up to new ideas, gives them a glimpse of why we do the things we do and, hopefully, allows them to see and share places where we still need to improve.

Really, it's a win-win.

The person you sleep with should tick these three boxes

Box 1: They are your spouse.
Box 2: You are married to them.
Box 3: Refer back to box 1.

This, obviously, isn't the reality for everyone.

People have sex with who they want, for a variety of reasons.
But think the following is true no matter what you believe.

For, no matter your worldview, I think it makes the most sense to have anyone you sleep with tick the following boxes...

Box 1: With sex being a magnifier physically, emotionally and relationally it pays to know the person beforehand. Strangers, generally, don't make good bedfellows.

Box 2: Know why you BOTH want to have sex. Is it just casual? Will it just be physical? Are you hoping it will lead to more? Is it about power or control? Both deserve to know the foundation of the request.

Box 3: Be with someone who will give you the best response for BOTH of you physically, emotionally and relationally - depending on the background you have together, the baggage coming in and the messiness of a sexual relationship between the two of you. In some cases, the wisest and most caring thing will be for one of you to say no. Or at least not now.

Ideally, these three boxes are covered within the context of commitment, faithfulness, trust and love... Marriage.

You know the person better than anyone, sex is a sign of your commitment, faithfulness, love and dedication and it won't happen until the previous things are in place.

Teens HAVING or HAD sex?

The percentage of teens who aren't virgins isn't small.

But, it's not as big a percentage as high-schoolers or the media would have you believe (anywhere from 55-70% still hold their v-card when they finish high school).

But, I wonder, how many teens are HAVING sex, as opposed to HAD sex?

If all we care about, or at least monitor, is when someone actually has HAD intercourse, then I think it skews the figures away from those who are actually HAVING sex.

Because there's a massive difference between someone who, in a moment of regret, had sex, with someone who is in a relationship having sex.

There's a massive difference between someone who's had an unpleasant, one off, or unconsented sex then someone who's having a regular or enjoyable sexual experience.

If the stats we tracked for teens weren't solely about loss of virginity, but were measured by meaningful or continuous sexual experiences, then I think that the sheer numbers - and the pressure associated with them - would dramatically drop.

After all, if the stats hold up and 55% of a high school class have had sex (which I think's about right), doesn't it sound more realistic that this number would reduce to closer than a 20-30% are actually HAVING sex?

3 reasons the younger need the older with different plumbing

What does a Christian man actually look like?
What characteristics does he display?
How does he treat his loved ones?
Could you ACTUALLY point one out?

At the upcoming leader's weekend for my youth group we'll be looking at the books of 1 Timothy and Titus, asking the two questions "What does this say about leadership?" and "What does this say about being an example to those younger?"

When you delve into those books, there's heaps to uncover, but there's also a connection which is more subtle.

Obviously, younger Christian guys need solid, Jesus-following, older guys around them.

Why?

To have conversations like this and help them avoid the knock-out punch.

BUT, younger Christians need examples of the opposite gender.

Why?

First, because wisdom can comes both genders and some issues aren't affected by the one speaking to you being male or female.

Second, because some problems can use the perspective of the opposite gender.

Third, younger Christians need to see what a solid, Jesus-following, person of the other gender looks like. If, like I've written before, it's far preferable for believers to date each other, then it would be helpful for them to be able to look around and see what a quality, God-and-spouse-honouring, husband/wife looks like. 

In short, it will be useful for them to be able to see an older woman/man living out their faith.

Or, aside from the example of Christ, how else will they know to look out for?

Is it ok to play dumb?

At times, I play dumb.
I pretend to know less than I actually do.

And... I wonder... is it fair to do so?

Should I, if aware of an issue or the entire narrative, leave gaps for others to fill in order to -

a) give them the opportunity to raise an issue on their timeframe (within reason)
b) hear their side of the story
c) allow them space to only share what they're comfortable with me knowing
d) have a subtle test as to how much they want me to know and how much they want to hide.

Is it ethical for me to dangle enough rope before people in order for them, potentially, to hang themselves?

Or, should I always fess up?

Hmmmm

Invite v Ask

Please stand.
Would you like to stand?

I need you to sit down.
Can you sit down please?

If you want something done, you can do two things, invite or ask.

Hopefully, no matter which one you choose, the person you're addressing will comply.

But, when dealing with children or teens, one method is far more effective.

If you invite people to do what you're wanting, you'll never hear the dreaded reply... "Well, I COULD stand" or "Where do you want me to take it?"

Sure, invitations can be shot down with a firm no, but at least they kill off the smart-alec response.

Whose standard do you use?

I went to my local public high school.
It wasn't very good.
The students didn't value their studies.
I got 68.15 for my final mark and, I think, only three people from my entire year went to university straight out of school.
It took me a decade to finally get my degree.

But, I've worked with some quite prestigious (and pricey!) schools and school-goers.
I've gone to church with people who got high 90's for their final mark and think very little of doing double degrees. 

We, often, don't use the same standard.

I can slip into the standard used in high school... the bear minimum is more than enough.
Others, can use the standard where near perfection is barely a pass.

Now, I want to be clear, when it comes to ministry I want to pursue excellence (this is what the second E in my foundations for ministry stands for).
God invites me to, and deserves, for me to do my best.
Also, ministry takes work - sometimes bloody hard work - and those who faithfully give in order for me to work in a church deserve for me to do my best.

BUT...
I wonder about those whose standards - at home, at work or in church - don't align.
 I wonder about those who work to a standard which isn't "faithfully do my best" but, due to their upbringing or schooling, reflects near perfection.

I wonder about those who feel like failures because they don't make the "passing grade" drawn in their head, but not reflecting reality.

I fear, for some, going to a private school has, almost, set them up for a sense of unreasonable failure whenever they don't nail that worship set, give a flawless talk, give seamless game instructions, execute a faultless scripture lesson or give a less-than-tear-jerking prayer.

One of the jobs for those in ministry, when sensing that someone is using a set of incredibly high standards, is to...

a) Express heart-felt gratitude for what they do, even if it isn't perfect. Tell and show that you are thankful for not just what they do, but who they are.

b) Be liberal with encouragement and feedback so they see that what they're doing is of a high quality and you notice.

c) Remind them that God works on a standard of grace and love. Like a parent, He is proud whenever His children do things for Him. He sees their hearts and motives. And, He will reward them generously for what they have done.

Time doesn't heal all wounds

Get healthy... Stop looking at porn... Mend a friendship... Save a marriage... Find a job... Quit smoking... Transform a youth group... Reverse the downward trend of a church...

If you want things to get better, you have three options.

1 - Do nothing.
2 - Keep doing what you've been doing.
3 - Get active and do something different.

It's rare that number one, by itself will work. Time, alone, doesn't heal most wounds.

It's unusual that number two, if not already heading in a helpful direction, will solve the problem. As the old saying goes, the definition if insanity is to do the same things, but expect different results.

The answer to lots of life's problems lies within number three.
Generally, things don't get better unless you DO THINGS which enable them to get better.

Control the fuel for the uncontrolled conversation

One thing you cannot control in life is what other people say.
But, you - somewhat - can control the things they are able to talk about.

You control the input.
They control the conversation.

This is the power, and danger, of gossip.
Once people start talking, it can be incredibly difficult to stop, never mind control.

If people decide to talk about you, truthfully or not, they can.
You don't control their conversations.
You don't control the conversations youth group leaders have with each other.
You don't control conversations parents have.
You don't control conversations that the kids or teens have.
You don't control the conversations overheard by those inside (and outside!) the church.

But those in leadership can, to a degree, control the fuel they provide for the fire of gossip.

This is one reason why leaders in the church are to live a live above reproach (1 Timothy 3:2). For this above-suspicion-kind-of-life vastly reduces the amount of ammunition which others, armed with good or poor intentions, have to talk about.

Guys need side-by-side

As I instigated once I started at my current church, nearly two years ago, I still go on regular dates with people at my church.

But, not all dates are the same.

One big difference, depending on the relational temperature I want to set and gender of the person, is where I choose to sit.

In a sweeping generalisation, guys chat side-by-side whilst women converse face-to-face.

So, for some guys, I'll make sure we'll chat about things while watching a screen or playing a game. That will be far more productive then an across-the-table luncheon.

The same thing applies with teens on a Friday night.

In general, the most open conversations with teenage guys is while they're doing something else. That's why, for guys, a pool table is the perfect ministry tool... after all... it got me talking. 

You don't HAVE to leave

As I've written about here, periodically, youth group leaders should be given a chance to step down if they don't want to be a leader anymore. This exists to fight the unwritten expectation that youth group leadership is a never-ending commitment.

But, leaders often have an expiry date due to life's transitions and when this happens, the option to become a part-time leader should be explored.

But, a leader never HAS to step down.

When a leader starts working full-time, they might stop youth group leading... but they don't have to. 
When a leader finishes university, they might step aside... but they don't have to.
When a leader gets married, they might stop leading for a season... but they don't have to.
When a leader becomes a parent, they might cease being around on a Friday... but they don't have to.
When a leader turns 30 (or 40!), they might make way for other leaders... but they don't have to.

As good as it might be to give space for leaders to step aside, it would be equally as unhelpful to push them away if they're not ready.

For, while you don't have to be a youth group leader for all eternity, you should never feel that you HAVE to leave just because "your time is up", you're "too old" or "it's someone else's turn."

If you can't buy condoms...

I've written a few times on this blog about condoms (if condoms make sex "safe" and if a Christian guy should carry condoms).

Yesterday I stumbled over this post about what teens need to know about sex and the author made, what I think, is a really good point.

In short, if someone can't face up to buying condoms then they're not ready enough to use them.

Now, condoms have never been easier to get.

Much of the stigma in buying them has been removed.
Most sexual health centers give them out for free.
Toilets have condom vending machines in them.
Self-serve checkout mean that you don't even have to look someone in the eye when purchasing them.

Gone are the days when you'd need to go to the corner store, view the local grocer in the eyes, have a little awkward chit-chat and grab your rubbers in a brown paper bag which scampering out the door.

But, you can still be discovered with condoms.
And, then you'll have to have a conversation about using them.
To the person going through your wallet.
Or with your parents.

AND, if that's going to bother you, you're not ready to be using them.

A date must include one of the following...

I tend to give a lot of dating advice.
I've written a lot of blog posts about it...
A series about Christian's dating non-Christians.
The general timelines to knowing if you're compatible.
The two pieces of advice I give to guys on a date.

But I don't have the access to dating's secret sauce.

But, today, my wife and I went on a date.
How do I know?
Because it involved one of the two key elements of a date.

Food or and activity.
If you're share a meal or do something active, then, you're on a date.

Are you having dinner? Then it's a date.
Are you sharing a picnic? Then it's a date.
Are you playing mini-golf? Then it's a date.
Watching a movie at the cinema? Then it's a date.

I think this is important when asked the inevitable question about dating... Is sharing a coffee a date?

With this filter, I say... it's barely a date.
Or, at least, it's not a very good one.

The adult way to face a mistake

So, you've made a mistake...
What do you do?

Yesterday I wrote about the immature way to deal with a mistake... F.I.S.T.C.

Today I want to describe the way adults deal with their mistakes.

They pay the price to put it right.
They wear the cost to fix things.
They make the hard choices in order to set things straight.
They make a plan to do better next time and avoid the mistake again.
They don't make excuses.
They apologise.

These responses are exactly the opposite of F.I.S.T.C.

These responses are a part of accepting responsibility for their part of the problem.

This is one of the significant differences between teens and adults.
With maturity comes responsibility.

F.I.S.T.C.

People make mistakes.
Myself included.

Some mistakes are entirely your own fault.
Usually though, mistakes are a series of decisions which you play a somewhat limited part in.

I've done some pretty stupid things.
I've done things which would certainly fall into the category of "young & stupid."
Some mistakes I've learnt from, others I'm doomed to repeat and kick myself later.

When you come face-to-face with a mistake there's one option you can take, commonly taken by teenagers and young adults.

F.I.S.T.C.

F#ck It, Screw The Consequences.

It's this attitude which leads to many poor decisions.

It's behind taking drugs, especially if you're unsure what it exactly is.
It's behind having unprotected sex.
It's behind drink driving or getting in the car with someone drunk.
It's behind cheating on your partner.
It's behind a lot of physical fights.
It's behind sharing that juicy gossip.

In short, this attitude decides - even if the worst should happen - that those consequences will be outweighed by the immediate thrill of the poor decision.

Tomorrow I'll share the better, adult, response when face-to-face with a mistake you've made.

2014 best of...

As 2014 draws to a close, let us take a look back over the Rambling-year-that-was...

My most popular post, again, was Where should the shame go?, followed by An apology from the church.

My favourite posts over the last year were...

The ministry turntable imbalance

The 9 questions to evaluate your leadership development

Mr Miyagi was wrong 

How my Year Without God would work

We can do better than age to determine a leader

Are they REALLY young adults?

Losing the church in the "divorce"

Easter Tiny Bible Bits 2014

No one should do it all

Why I won't flash the Greek

Modern Gnosticism and the importance of Church History

Three reasons we shouldn't just stick to the gospels

How groups are formed and change

Jenga faith should be welcome... this is THE THING I've wanted everyone at church to hear in 2014

Youth ministry CEO (my third most popular post)

Two days blind

Timetable for early changes

Tweaking the tunes?

A response to Halloween

Is this what I signed up for?

A safe person for two unsafe responses (my most controversial post)

Getting someone to the watering-hole... this is THE THING I've learnt in 2014

Two questions for the tough times

The core of being a minister

Avoiding the knock-out punch

I'll be proud of you when...

One of the privileges of my job is being alongside people as they go through what life throws at them.

Over time, as the Holy Sprit works within people and they develop in both Christlikeness and ministry involvement, I get opportunities to witness people grow tremendously.

As such, I get numerous chances to see people do things which make me proud.

I'm proud when people genuinely offer to help.
I'm proud when people do things which they find hard.
I'm proud when people do things which are scary.
I'm proud when people do positive things for the first time.
I'm proud when people make difficult, but ultimately helpful, decisions.
I'm proud when people take steps towards getting help with a problem or persistent sin.
I'm proud when people admit their mistakes.
I'm proud when people ask for help.
I'm proud when others are recognized for what they contribute.

But, I'll be proudest when God says to them... "Well done, good and faithful servant..."