What I learnt from attending a lot of funerals

I’ve been to lots of funerals.

When you’ve worked for multiple churches over 13 years, this is unsurprising.

When that denomination was the one with the - on average - eldest attendees, this is even less surprising.

When one of your churches was the chapel for the local private school, this increases the amount of funerals dramatically.

Add all these contingencies together, along with being one of the few members of your church who could run the technical elements of a funeral in the middle of a workday, then my amount of funeral lurking is entirely predictable.

For, most of the time, I was just a funeral lurker.

I often didn’t know the deceased.

I usually didn’t know many people in attendance.

But, I learnt a lot from attending so many funerals.

First, they reminded me of what matters. What really matters. Funerals are a time for the essentials. The plain gospel. Family. Fond memories.

Second, they reminded me that life is finite. Mine, like all others, will end. I will one day have a funeral.

Third, they reminded me that death is unpredictable. I could be snuffed out at any age. More than once I attended a funeral of someone who I shared the same age as. The day of my funeral is out of my control.

Fourth, they taught me how to write a good eulogy.

Finally, it they placed the voice of the grave periodically in front of me.

Collectively, these funerals placed a regular reminder that my life and ministry mattered. 

They impacted others.

They impact beyond my days.

For some, they help impact their eternity.

Why I WANT my kids to go to church during January

6 weeks.

As a teacher, I often hear that I get to delight in 6 weeks of holidays over the Summer.

Of course, Summer still involves a stack of work during January (and there’s only five-and-a-half weeks this year!) and there are markers of a successful holiday.

Almost universally, churches will mirror the timelines of the school year.

Thus, there’s usually no youth ministry or dedicated ministry for young people on a Sunday morning during January.

Nonetheless, as my kids get older, I WANT them attending church during January.

Now, I realise that just over a year ago I wrote that parents shouldn’t feel too bad about skipping church over the Summer.

My reasoning, more or less, still stands. Parents should primarily disciple their kids. This is true in January. And June. And every other month.

But… the reasons to attend church over the Summer are powerful. Arguably, even more so over January than during the school term.

Over January, the adult relationships which are vital for young people to be connected and cared for are cultivated.

Over January, my kids get a greater experience of the church community.

Over January, my kids get a glimpse of “big church” so it’s not so foreign.

Over January, my kids get to see how I act in church.

Over January, my kids get to be closer to the community of faith - where faith, more often than not - is caught and not taught.

I’ll admit… I’m definitely thinking about my kids attending church during the school holidays more than they are.

In fact, I allow my offspring to be on electronic devices once the sermon kicks off (sue me!).

But, if church is as much about the community and support provided as it is about learning or academia, then putting my kids in the room of Christians is a good use of my time.

Should you hope that your teens gets a crush on their youth minister?

Wayyyy back in 2008 I wrote (here) about those within a youth ministry having a crush on their youth minister.

As far as I know. It never happened with me. No young lass ever had a crush on me.

But, as I mentioned back in 2008, it makes sense.

Someone older, wiser and cooler invests time in your life.

That’s appealing when you’re a teen.

So, if you’re a parent of a teen, should you secretly hope that your offspring gets a slight crush for their youth leader?

Now, I’m aware that a) the question itself is kinda creepy and b) there have been far too many instances when this interaction has been manipulated and turns into something inappropriate. No one ever wants the second half of that sentence to play out.

 it, with those disclaimers out of the way…

If the youth minister of your church/one of the primary youth ministry leaders is a good role model, why wouldn’t you want them to be the kind of person your youngster may wish to romantically ponder about?

If teen crushes are all about discovering the types of things which you’ll find attractive - especially if those things are positive characteristics instead of just being a dreamboat - wouldn’t someone with a considered, confident, strong faith be something which you’d want your teen to be drawn towards?

On a far more pragmatic scale, wouldn’t a tiny, healthy, crush be useful in order to help inspire your teen to spring out of bed and want to attend church on a Sunday morning (which can be a struggle for a teen if there’s not some hormonally-driven motivation).

Again, I’m not hoping that any of my children will end up with the bloke who’s currently leading them in a bible study, but that they may find the type of qualities he has attractive surely isn’t the worst thing in the world…

Why it’s important to be mindful of what happened before church

Some days, it’s easy to get your kids to church.

They woke up on time. They had no disagreements. They want to go.

Other Sundays are a struggle.

A struggle to get out of bed. A struggle to get dressed. A struggle to have breakfast. Squabbling siblings. Attitude about attending. Bickering in the car.

I could make a similar equation for adults attending on a Sunday.

Some days, you’re energetic and enthusiastic.

Other days, you’re tired and genuinely considering not going.

Those in ministry must be aware that at any event, chances are, there will be attendees in both situations.

Keen and hesitant.

Energetic and lethargic.

Comfortable and nervous.

If those leading ministries are mindful of the various mindsets and circumstances of those who attend, then they will have more patient, understanding and appreciative for those who they get the privilege to serve.

Being alert to the next step in the last conversation

Developing a relationship takes time and effort.

Within an educational or pastoral setting, this relationship develops in snippets.

The main reason for this is that, while you may have many interactions with the youngster, they are fleeting and, at least in schools, in conflict with overriding curriculum pressures.

Nonetheless, you are able to develop a relationship with those in your care.

The simplest way to do this is to, obviously, share a conversation.

But, as I wrote above, time is in short supply.

Rarely will you have the chance to engage in a deep conversation.

But, just because the chronological conversation may be short, the interaction doesn’t need to be.

No matter if it is at a church youth group, on Sunday morning, in the classroom or in the playground, the ability to continue a conversation is vital in developing these important relationships.

At the core, the trick is to be mindful of the place you’re up to.

What was shared last?

Where may this lead?

How are you going to follow up from the last interaction?

What update are you going to pursue?

What event from the last week are you able to enquire about?

If you’re alert to the next step in the conversation, then you’ll be able to intentionally cultivate these relationships and show the teen that they personally matter to you.

How should a youth group or church respond to a traumatic event on the other side of the world?

Event.

Reporting.

Reaction.

Reaction to the reaction.

This is the modern news-cycle.

So, how should a church respond to a newsworthy event?

Most of the time, if the event is detected from the congregation personally or geographically, I don’t think there needs to be much more than an acknowledgement.

Name the tragedy. 

Pray about the event.

But, business should proceeded like normal.

No radical change of plans is required.

Of course, this won’t be the case if it’s an event like 911.

Then, all your plans get tossed into the air.

But, not every event is 911.

Most aren’t.

For example, the death of Charlie Kirk isn’t a schedule destroyer if you’re in Australia.

Now, I write that without the intention of offending anyone.

Yes, his death was horrific.

Absolutely, his murder was newsworthy.

But, his assassination must be held in perspective. 

Not one person will have known Charlie Kirk personally.

Not one person will have gone to one of his events.

And, if we change our plans because of a disconnected event on the other side of the world, then we lessen the impact for nearer tragedies.

Personal tragedies.

Community shaping events.

These should redefine what you are doing.

Then, you need to provide more than just an acknowledgement and an additional prayer point.

You need to provide support.

Physical support. 

Emotional support.

Spiritual support.

You need to provide space.

Physical space. 

Emotional space.

Spiritual space.

You need to reinforce the basis of the gospel.

Goodness.

Trust.

Grace.

These are the ways to respond to tragedy.

And, if your going to set aside your original plans, these are the pillars which you build the new plans around - support, space and the gospel.

Do we consume the bible like we do TikTok?

My daughters, for a while, had been asking to watch the Marvel films catalogue.

Consequently, over the last few months, we’ve been (selectively) working our way through the MCU.

At least I have been with my youngest.

My eldest, who wanted to watch the films more, has barely been able to sit through an entire film.

The reason is simple, and in part, is the reason she wanted to watch the movies in the first place.

She’s seen the shorts online.

She’s viewed small snippets of the best bits.

She’s been exposed to the most action-packed, humour-quipped, tear-jerking moments.

But, she cannot stomach the plot which connects these fragments.

She isn’t prepared to put in the effort to get the underlying plot which adds the meaning.

Do we consume the bible in the same way?

Do we just expose ourselves to the greatest hits?

Are we just familiar with the Sunday shorts?

When we’re younger, this is definitely the way we serve up the scriptures.

Bite-sized.

Easily-consumable.

Hopefully, alongside a story which has a drama or a craft activity.

But, we exclude some of the passages which add depth to these passages.

We cut Deuteronomy.

We skim over Isaiah and Jeremiah.

We leave Romans for “when they’re older”.

But, in doing this, we reduce the bible to a series of disconnected shorts.

We rob the bible of an overarching salvation narrative.

Worse still, we condition our young people to only be able to consume the bible in easily-digestible chunks.

The support team every youth minister should have

Everyone has ministry blind spots.

I believe this is no more evident than youth ministry.

Within this context you’ll be working with children, teens, young adults, adults and oldies.

You’ll significantly cross paths with those of every life stage.

You’ll juggle the needs and expectations of longtime congregants, new believers, families, singles, senior ministers, lay leaders and colleagues.

At times, you’ll feel dragged in a dozen different directions and under the weight of a dozen masters.

So, what can a church do to help?

One thing my first ministry position did - which I didn’t fully appreciate at the time - was to establish a youth ministry team.

The point of this team, primarily, was support.

They would hear my ideas first.

They would be a place to spitball options.

They would be a place to be held accountable.

They would be a place to ask questions.

They would be a place to be questioned.

Most importantly, they would be the place to expose my blind spots.

They would identify issues.

They would raise potential concerns.

They would, most of all, encourage.

But, as I said earlier, they would be a means of support.

They would be the sternest defenders of the ministry.

They would cut off criticism before I ever heard it.

They would put out fires before they reached me.

For, on this team were a diverse mix.

A couple of parents.

A member of each congregation of the church.

A long term influential member of the church.

Someone who initially helped set up the ministry.

A committed teen.

A experienced youth leader.

A trainee leader.

Someone connected to a youngster transitioning into the ministry.

Someone connected to someone transitioning out of the ministry.

A ministry veteran. 

A prayer warrior.

With this diverse group, important decisions can be viewed from alternate perspectives.

As many bling spots as possible should be brought into light.

Vitally, this group should outlive the current ministry agent.

They will be the continuing structure which any new person will step into.

 

Ideally, this group of people will be the network of defence and support which the youth minister will treasure and result in, not just a better thought out and well-rounded ministry, but a placement which is more prepared and peaceful.

Why the late families deserve double the praise

Today the kids and I were late to church.

Not dramatically late, but late nonetheless.

As someone who used to run activities for youngsters on a Sunday morning, it was customary for me to track the arrivals of families on a Sunday morning.

Inevitably, some families would stumble in after the start of the service.

Honestly, I used to get slightly annoyed by the tardiness of some families.

I certainly wouldn’t do that now.

Now, I would be even more thankful that they have turned up to church.

Why?

Because a late family, surely, didn’t intent to be late.

But something happened.

There was an argument…

Breakfast was a struggle…

One of the kids had a meltdown…

Tired parents allowed their kids to sleep an extra 15 minutes…

And, as this situation played out, they had the chance to not attend church.

It ran through my mind this morning.

We could, very easily, have chosen to not attend church this morning.

Taking the girls out to a lazy breakfast was tempting.

But, every late family has decided that church, despite any obstacles, was worth turning up for.

This should be honoured, not looked down upon.

Why youngsters should hear stories of mission over sermons

Lately my eldest has been staying in church for the entire service.

Honestly, the sermons haven’t been a focal point as she has usually well and truely zoned out by then and is immersed in a digital device.

But, my teen has had the opportunity to hear from a number of missionaries over the last few weeks as my (and many Baptist churches throughout NSW) focus on mission work over the month of May.

I suspect this would be far more valuable than a sermon.

As as young person, I want her to see the relevance of Christianity, not just hear the theology.

I want her to hear the stories of lived out faithfulness, not just hear exposition of a passage.

I want her to gain a global perspective of things such as poverty and persecution.

If young people need to be in a church service - no matter if is for the entire service or just the time before they depart for their separate activities - exposing them to genuine stories of mission is time we’ll spent and, frankly, some of the more impactful things they will hear on any given Sunday.

Seeing my previous decisions from a different life perspective

I started in youth ministry in my mid-twenties.

I started youth ministry while single.

I started youth ministry without kids.

A lot has changed over the last two decades.

Now, I view life and church - understandably - quite differently.

When I look back at some of the decisions I made, I cringe.

I now see that they were shortsighted.

I now see that they were impulsive.

I now see that they were - in the best of ways - ignorant.

For, I didn’t have the experience of being in ministry and church structures.

I didn’t have the experience of being married.

I didn’t have the experience of being a parent.

Now, I’d do plenty of things differently.

Slower.

More deliberate.

More considerate.

More gracious (hopefully!).

For, with the perspective of my current life-stage, I can now see that I made plenty of, frankly, preventable ministry missteps.

You must be safe but not confidential

Anyone who works with youth or the vulnerable knows that they are in a privileged position.

Hopefully, as you build relationships with the young people - no matter if they are in a classroom, church, service, tutor or coaching context - you may become someone who they feel increasingly comfortable talking with.

They may share their dreams.

Their struggles.

Their interests.

Their frustrations.

But, this must come with a significant caveat.

You are safe.

But you are not confidential.

You are an adult who they can freely talk to.

But everything cannot remain private.

And, this must be made clear upfront.

for, when it comes to issues of mandatory reporting - be they abuse, harm from others/self or neglect - these are areas when confidentiality cannot be maintained.

Of course, this should reinforce the fact that you are a safe person to confide in.

You will ensure they are safe.

And remain safe.

And this demands that some things don’t remain confidential.

Having a way to tap into the wealth of knowledge in your community

Both schools and churches hold a similar role when it comes to the young people in their midst: they are places for guidance.

Of course, this guidance is influenced by their values and culture, but any advice dished out should be in the best interest of the youngster.

Arguably, the best form of advice is based in experience.

Fortunately, both schools and churches hold within them mountains of experience.

Job experiences.

Education experiences.

Life experiences.

But, these experiences can only be useful if they are known.

For example…

I’ve been divorced.

I’ve been through two miscarriages.

I’ve been in ministry for over a decade.

I’ve got a theology degree.

I’ve worked as a water/gas meter reader.

I’m in a position to give some (possibly valuable) advice about these and a heap of other topics.

Everyone has places where they hold some expertise.

But, these can only be made use of if they are known by those who are being put forward as advice dispensers.

Ideally, the youth minister or career adviser has a way to determine what expertise exists within their school or church.

Put simply, it may involve nothing more than a short survey which asks what experiences the responder has and if they would be prepared to chat about these experiences if an opportunity arose.

There’s a chance that no one in my public high school will ever show an interest in pursuing youth ministry or gaining theological training, but I’m fairly confident the advice I may provide will be better than someone who has never entered a church or has any idea how you select a place to do your B.Th.

How every ministry event should end

This event will end at (insert time here) and you are then free to leave. No questions asked.

But, you don’t have to leave at the allotted time. You can stick around for some unstructured time a while (usually until the leader is departing).

This is how every ministry event should end.

A firm finish so time so people can know when the event will definitely conclude.

A flexible finish time so ministry or fellowship can casually continue.

To advertise both is essential and a healthy ministry - be it a church service, small group, youth/young adults activity - will have both.

The overflow stays with them

In all my subjects I teach a lot of details.

Far too many for any student to be able to remember.

Fortunately, the majority of things I want my students to be able to recall are the concepts of my subjects. 

This is what really matters.

I’d they understand the overarching principals behind the facts, then they will be in a better position to be able to accurately explain what my subject is about and be able to apply these concepts to other subjects and areas in their life.

But, in reality, over time most of what I teach will be lost.

I don’t expect my students to be able to recall the seven ways which you’ll die in trench warfare, the seven reasons for World War 2 or the six deviations on the understanding of the humanity of Jesus.

The same is true in a church setting.

No one remembers the details of every sermon they hear. 

No one is expected to be able to recount every aspect of a bible study.

The things you remember - in both the classroom and church - are the extras.

The overflows of who you are as a teacher or a minister are the things which travel with people far beyond the months/years they physically spend with you.

Your character.

Your enthusiasm.

Your care.

These are the things which really matter.

This is what makes someone look back at you fondly.

These will be the traits of every one of your favourite teachers and ministers.

These will make an impact on the rest of their lives.

The details within a lesson or sermon will fade quickly, but the overflow of you - the way they were welcomed, or included, or supported, or inspired - this can last decades after you have gone.

Should parents fell bad about skipping church during the school holidays?

I’ve usually skipped church with my kids during the school holidays.

When I worked for a church, I usually expected the same.

So, should a parent feel guilty about their school-holiday endured absence?

Not according to the Tiny Bible Bit which I just wrote…

Deuteronomy 6:6-7 - These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.

If you have a family with younger children, then there’s a decent chance that it’s been a few weeks since you’ve attended church.

It’s understandable.

Many churches shut down their Sunday morning children’s ministry activities while the school holidays are on (as they are in Australia, and will be for the rest of the month).

So, should churches fell like they are spiritually neglecting the youngest members of their flock?

Deuteronomy 6 doesn’t think so.

Why? 

Because the primary spiritual direction a child should receive (ideally) is within the home.

The parents should be living out their faith in front of their children.

The parents should be sharing the stories of faith with their children.

The parents, just through the regular processes of the day, should be intersecting life and spirituality often.

Of course, the children’s ministry of a church should play a significant role in helping nurture the fledgling spirituality of a child, but Deuteronomy 6 stresses that this should stretch far beyond a few hours on a Sunday.

Am I a better theologian as a teacher or as a youth minister?

You would think that the answer was simple… I was a better theologian while in vocational ministry.

I’m not completely convinced.

Sure, while I gave plenty of talks and sermons while in ministry, there was only a certain depth or detail which these could effectively delve into.

Very few people wish to hear a sermon on the six alternative theories on the humanity/divinity of Christ.

Even fewer teenagers want to hear that talk.

Yet, in my studies of religion course, I teach a lesson on this exact point.

I’m fact, for the year 11’s they do a Christianity unit which includes the deep theological issues such as the incarnation, God’s revelation and the trinity.

Over the course of the year, I touch on suffering, creation, death, judgement, salvation, church leadership, denominational formations and a whole lot more.

For my year 12’s, I’ll be delving into the subject of the Reformation, baptism and sexual ethics.

Of course, this neglects the numerous non-Christian topics which I’ll be covering!

I would never cover this much ground in a congregational setting.

It would be unreasonable to ask as much.

While, pastorally, my load in the school context is minimal (which must be taken into account), the sheer amount of theology I need to digest and ask for my students to interact with - year after year - surely results in me needing to be a sharper theologian in the secular context.

Education & Faith share the same analogy

Both are like fire.

Both need a spark to be ignited.

Both light up the world around you.

Both need to remain fed to keep going.

Both can provide comfort.

Both can spread.

Both can be abused.

Both can transform.

Both can be snuffed out.

As either a teacher or a minister, it is your role to ignite, illuminate, stoke, and protect the flame of the young person in front of you.

The cost of having a parent-less ministry to kids on a Sunday morning

I wrote here that parents should be one of - if not THE - primary providers of spiritual input on a Sunday morning in regards to ministry to children.

The reason is simple, and I believe, biblical.  

I firmly believe that parents should be the ones who are responsible for the spiritual upbringing of the their kids.

But alas, this usually doesn’t happen on a Sunday morning.

Usually, the spiritual instruction for kids is provided by a primary leader - paid or unpaid - and some volunteers who are usually unrelated to any of the kids attending.

The reasons are numerous.

First of all, many parents are themselves being spiritually fed during the Sunday service.

Second, some parents feel unprepared or unable to be productively involved.

Finally, there is the desire to “give their kids space” and “not embarrass them” by having their parents be around.

Nonetheless, I think this exclusion comes at a cost.

For, the following things are lost when parents are not included in the ministry to youngsters (including their own) on a Sunday morning:

They neglect being an example of faith to their kids.

They miss sharing their faith with their kids and, hopefully, seeing their kids develop in their faith.

They are robbed of personally witnessing/experiencing the ministry to their children.

Now, I’m not advocating that a parent is helping every Sunday morning.

Obviously, the parents are themselves entitled to spiritual input on a Sunday, but having parents be totally excluded from the kid’s ministry is a cost which most parents shouldn’t be willing to pay.

Would putting the point first make a difference?

Last Sunday I was building towards a point with the youngsters at church.

It wasn’t - I grant you - a life-changing point, but hopefully a somewhat coherent point nonetheless.

Then, as I was about to transition from my linking activity to the meat of my lesson a sky writer was spotted in the sky.

Understandably, this threw a significant spanner in the works.

That the sky writer loosely tied into my original game didn’t help.

Frankly, it hasn’t been the first time that a lesson of mine has been derailed.

Unexpected things happen.

Focus wains.

The best of plans unravel.

Everyone who has taught for a significant time has experienced this.

So, should lessons be flipped if you can’t ensure a set time of productivity?

Instead of ending with the main point, should you start with it?

Instead of unveiling your point it slowly, should you just reveal it up front?

While it may be harder to potentially plan the lesson, I think a subtle change of language would help bridge the main point with the lesson content.

Instead of saying/thinking “let me show/tell you how what we’ve done fits together”, now the lesson should be structured around the concept “now I’ve told you the main point, let me show/tell you why it makes sense.”

For occasions where your timeframe or focus may not be assured, putting your main point up front may provide you with a way to avoid leaving the lesson without feeling like you inadequately expressed your point.