2014 best of...

As 2014 draws to a close, let us take a look back over the Rambling-year-that-was...

My most popular post, again, was Where should the shame go?, followed by An apology from the church.

My favourite posts over the last year were...

The ministry turntable imbalance

The 9 questions to evaluate your leadership development

Mr Miyagi was wrong 

How my Year Without God would work

We can do better than age to determine a leader

Are they REALLY young adults?

Losing the church in the "divorce"

Easter Tiny Bible Bits 2014

No one should do it all

Why I won't flash the Greek

Modern Gnosticism and the importance of Church History

Three reasons we shouldn't just stick to the gospels

How groups are formed and change

Jenga faith should be welcome... this is THE THING I've wanted everyone at church to hear in 2014

Youth ministry CEO (my third most popular post)

Two days blind

Timetable for early changes

Tweaking the tunes?

A response to Halloween

Is this what I signed up for?

A safe person for two unsafe responses (my most controversial post)

Getting someone to the watering-hole... this is THE THING I've learnt in 2014

Two questions for the tough times

The core of being a minister

Avoiding the knock-out punch

I'll be proud of you when...

One of the privileges of my job is being alongside people as they go through what life throws at them.

Over time, as the Holy Sprit works within people and they develop in both Christlikeness and ministry involvement, I get opportunities to witness people grow tremendously.

As such, I get numerous chances to see people do things which make me proud.

I'm proud when people genuinely offer to help.
I'm proud when people do things which they find hard.
I'm proud when people do things which are scary.
I'm proud when people do positive things for the first time.
I'm proud when people make difficult, but ultimately helpful, decisions.
I'm proud when people take steps towards getting help with a problem or persistent sin.
I'm proud when people admit their mistakes.
I'm proud when people ask for help.
I'm proud when others are recognized for what they contribute.

But, I'll be proudest when God says to them... "Well done, good and faithful servant..."

Avoiding the knock-out punch

When you know a crisis is coming you're able, to some extent, to shield or prepare yourself for the blow.

But I remember a bloke I went to college with, who did a bit of boxing, saying, in general, it's the punch you don't see coming which knocks you out.

I trust that this is true in boxing.
But I've seen it play our in life and ministry.

When you're able to see a problem on the horizon, generally, you're able to navigate the turbulent time smoother.

But, when a problem appears out of the blue, then you can find yourself floored since you get winded by the punch you don't see coming.

And, herein lies the value of two things...

First, this fits perfectly with my observations last term at youth group where I spoke about making wise decisions and compared life to driving a car. In short, good drivers don't stare blankly at the car ahead and blindly follow. Good drivers have their gaze on the horizon in order to see potential trouble coming. In life, those with wisdom look ahead and consider the future consequences of their actions, not just the next few meters down the road.

Second, older Christians who can not only give an outside perspective, impart warnings from the times they've messed up, but also have the respect and... gumption... to speak up when a younger believer is making, or has made, an unwise decision.

Everyone gets a season of extra support

You get a bad diagnosis from the doctor.
A family member dies.
You have a miscarriage.
Your marriage is in trouble.
Work is extra stressful.
Exams feel overwhelming.
You've been fired from a job you loved.
Your long-term partner breaks up with you.
A painful thing from the past has flared up and you're only starting to process it.

Given enough time, everyone has a season when they need extra help and support.

When these times happen, you shouldn't apologise.
This is life.
This is what being in ministry is about - being with people in the good and bad times of life.

BUT, there's an important difference between being in a place of receiving extra support for a season and occupying that space permanently.

The first one is expected. Everyone gets a season. Some more than others.
The second one is unhealthy for all involved.

When you SHOULDN'T apologise

If you've been around churches long enough, eventually you'll hear about boundaries, primarily based around the book Boundaries and its offshoots.

Essentially, you need to be aware of where you, physically, emotionally, relationally and spiritually stop and others begin.

In order to have healthy, safe relationships, boundaries need to be respected.

At times, in churches, we get this wrong.
At times, those who work in churches, get this wrong.

When this happens, we should apologize (like I did here).
We should apologise when the boundaries of others have felt trampled on, violated or ignored.

But there's one time, when dealing with boundaries, we shouldn't apologise.

When we assert our own.

When someone in ministry, in a gentle, caring way, asserts their personal boundaries in order to maintain healthy self care, relational or vocational boundaries, then the minister shouldn't apologise.

Ideally, you're only putting into practice the healthy lifestyle choices which you encourage others to do.

Two consequences because words matter

Words matter. Is it ironic then, when I first posted this, that the title had a typo?

The words we use matter.
The words others use matter.

One of the most probing questions you can ask is "Why did you use THAT particular word?"

Often, they give subtle indications into what we truly think and feel.

In short, this has two important consequences for those in ministry.

1 - Be cautions and deliberate with the words you use. Speak carefully.

2 - Pay attention to the words the people you're speaking to use. Listen closely.

The core of being a minister

I still think I gave a kick-a$$ answer here, back in 2008, to my understanding of the role of a minister.

Now, when asked to whittle down my job, I give two responses - Care and Protect.

God grants me the privilege to care for and, when need be, protect those He has placed in the church I minister within.

Reflecting a pastoral shepherd (like that described in John 10 & 1 Peter 5 and preached at my very first induction service), I am able to stand with, and share life with, those placed in my care. I get to watch out for and help guide people who want to follow Christ.

This, at the core, is both the challenge and the blessing of my job...

Why you shouldn't program what you're studying

Tomorrow I'll get to wear a black robe, a funny hat and graduate with a Bachelor of Theology.

In theory, for a while, it will be the end of my studies (aside from some more Greek I'll be doing next year) and, in partnership with a question I was asked during a congregational meeting, the process has reminded me about programing.

When I was asked about the curriculum we use in our youth/children's ministry, I mentioned that I've already planned a rough outline for the cycle of the children's and youth ministry (thus I could look up and tell them an outline of what we'll probably do at the start of 2017).

One advantage I have, now that I've been in ministry long enough, is that I have a vast bank of lessons and programs to go back to.

AND, I'll never fall for the programing trap which ensnares a lot of ministers...
Using your current topic of study in the current program.

By this I mean, say you're studying 1 & 2 Samuel in your theological studies, then, simultaneously, you'll also study the same thing at youth group bible study or the church preaching plan.

On face value, it seems like a decent idea.

First, you get to share with those you minister to what you're learning.
And second, you get to cut down in preparation time, since you're going to be delving into the topic anyway.

But, there's a significant danger...

First, until you've finished the topic, you might be shooting in the dark when initially planning the series since you're unfamiliar with the way your topic hangs together. In short, you're without a fully developed big picture.
Second, the reduction of preparation could blow up in your face if you need to cram a confusing week of lectures into a somewhat coherent talk.
And third, you're not far enough ahead of your people in order to adequately address unforseen questions.

So, while it might seem like a wise idea to "preach from the overflow of your studies" the risks aren't worth it.

Give it another semester, it can only help...

Training attitudes

Each year I go to a number of training events and conferences with the standard I use to weigh up their success, usually, being the number of blog posts generated.

But if I'm honest, when I go to many training events, my attitude isn't completely positive and my expectation isn't one brimming with receptivity.

But, having been to two all-day training event this week, I have a renewed marker for conference/training success.

Is my attitude better going out than it was going in?

Because, even if my thinking going into a conference is less than stellar, if the few hours of input has changed my attitude, then the event has done something right...

The inside line of ministry

He's going to ask her out...
She's going to break up with him...
Someone's thinking of leaving the church...
A staff member's going to resign...
Money has gone missing...
An abuse scandal's about it hit...

When you work for a church, sometimes - due to your position, you get the inside line for information, getting advanced warning of an impending problem.

And then a weird chain-of-events takes place...

You're made aware of a problem...
You begin to mentally process the potential fallout...

Then, eventually, you witness the problem drop...
And then you see everyone else go through a similar process to the one you've wrestled with, and potentially resolved, earlier.

The benefit of the inside line is that, in order to support others effectively, the event is not as raw or out-of-the-blue.
And, you have the opportunity to secure resources as you process your own thoughts and feelings.

Choosing to forget generosity

Matthew 6:3-4 - But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

In ministry there's a wonderful thing which you sometimes get to be a part of...
It's nowhere specifically on a job description, but it's a great perk of the job...

Helping people.

No matter if it's helping someone pay bills...
or put food on their table...
or get a job...
or store furniture...
or have time for their struggling spouse...
or a thousand other opportunities church communities can come together to make a difference in the life of another...

Sometimes, this involves a dash of sneakiness.

And at these times you need a dose of "giving amnesia."

You need to, purposely, forget those whom you know have contributed to help others.
Choose to never disclose whom gave you that money filled envelope to "quietly pass on."
Decide to clear your memory of those whom blessed another.

In this way, you get the privilege to quietly see God at work, being one of the few whom sees both the generous right hand and the receptive left hand.

All moments aren't the same

4 Sunday morning services, preaching and leading...
25 Sunday evening sermons...
45 Sundays leading the evening service...
38 weeks of youth group...
1 Lock in...
38 weeks of Friday afternoon children's activities...
40 weeks of Sunday morning children's activities...
1 annual kid's morning service...
3 Easter services...
1 Christmas Day service...
1 Christmas Eve Family service...
2 Leader's weekends...
140 primary aged school scripture lessons..
30 high school lunchtime groups...
50 high school scripture lessons...
Guest speaking at a regional event...
Speaking at one camp...

My job is full of events and speaking gigs; these are the ones which came off the top of my head.
And every one, of course, isn't identical.

Many are routine.
Others are special.
Some are extra significant.

Whenever I'm speaking about sex or relationships.
Whenever I'm speaking about suffering and sharing about the tough times in my life - like when my Dad died and we had two miscarriages in the space of a year.
Whenever I'm presenting the gospel and asking for a specific response.
Whenever I give the one, and currently only, talk which starts with me singing.
Whenever it's the first or last regular event of the year.
Whenever you're presenting at a special occasion.
Whenever the church is full of visitors, like Christmas and Easter.

On these weightier moments the stress is higher.
You feel the nerves increase.
You do extra prep.
You arrive extra early.

But, you're also even more satisfied, and grateful to God, when they go off as planned.

Two questions for the tough times

1 - Who can you trust, what did they say?
2 - Who cares for you, how did they show it?

I firmly believe that these two questions are an important part of getting through the tough times in life which we'll encounter every so often.

If, when life seems darkest, you intentionally look out for and record the answers to these two questions each day a significant change begins to take place.

Your mindset.
Your outlook.
Your memory.

If, when life is bleak, you keep track of the people who have said something you can trust (even if you don't completely feel the reality of that truth) and the ways (even in the smallest of gestures) which people have showed you that they care, then, slowly, the way life looks can begin to turn.

Even if all it does is allow you to take notice of the silver lining to a darker cloud...

Getting someone to the watering-hole

I finally get it.

I'm no longer 20 years old.
I'm not even 25.

I've just finished my study.
I've been married for eight years, having been with my wife for eleven and we have a toddler.

I have regular car payments to keep track of, rent to be paid and all my large bills are now paid by the month.

I'm old.

I'm now the guy who gives advice because I can remember "back in those days" when I "did those kinds of things" and can now reflect back on them.

But I can't make anyone follow my advice.

I, now, understand that also.

In fact, more often then not, I lay out options and warn about the obstacles which will need to be negotiated.

I provide resources which can make wise decisions easier.

But I can't, and many times shouldn't, force someone to make a decision.

For, the old adage is true... You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink.

My job, especially when dealing with young adults, is to make sure that they sense the value in the water and ensure that access to the watering-hole is as easy as it can be.

Sometimes you shouldn't cast the vote

Yesterday our church had a meeting where a vote was taken surrounding an issue of staffing. It wasn't highly controversial and the vote went as I expected.

But, while I could have voted and knew which decision I would have made, I decided not to.

I didn't tell anyone and, in all likelihood, no one probably noticed.

But I believe that there are some time when a staff member should abstain from being a decision-maker.

The reasons are simple.

On some resolutions, like staffing, mission or redevelopment, the decision ultimately lies with the members of the church. They need to own the outcome. They need to way up the costs and discern the direct God is taking them. Whatever is decided needs to be up to them.

Furthermore, on significant matters, the results will directly effect those on staff. If you vote, then you can leave yourself open to the accusation of bias or self-serving.

Finally, depending on the outcome of a vote, tensions can be created amongst staff who have voted differently. And, even if it is a silent vote, questions can be raised about the way workmates voted in a tight decision.

As important as I might think my opinion is, at times, it's not worth airing voting in order to give control to the congregation and because of the potential interpersonal fallout.

A safe person for two unsafe responses

BE WARNED: The following post involves swear words. But, in the context they are used, they are, although uncomfortable, somewhat appropriate.

When I read this post on ministrymatters.com about the 10 Things You Should Never Say to a Grieving Person, I had two responses.

These are the two responses I've both felt, and recommend to people/warned people about, when they're going through a time of tragedy - especially death or miscarriage.

Bullshit and Fuck Off (I did warn you! Don't keep reading if you're offended).

Whenever you're fresh off an event of misfortune or heart-break rationality is not your friend. Sometimes, Bullshit and Fuck Off will be the things which spring to mind and someone needs to allow space for them.

In fact, one of the most important people are those whom you can, even retrospectively, say Bullshit and Fuck Off to. It might not be directed to them personally, but someone who can be a safe sounding board for Bullshit and Fuck Off. Bullshit to the cliques. Fuck off to the idiots.

For, when people are trying to be comforting, they can be unhelpful. And awkward. Even hurtful.

And, at these times, you'll feel one, if not both, responses...

The linked-to article gives a quality run down why the following statements are, intentionally or unintentionally, boneheaded.

But this post is about feelings.
Raw, irrational, feelings.

And they aren't always pretty.

For example, from the article on ministrymatters... This is what's gone through my mind while grieving...

I know how you feel - Bullshit and Fuck Off.
God has a will in this/There is a reason for everything/God is in control - I don't need to hear this right now, Fuck Off.
How are you doing? - How do you think dickhead? Fuck Off.
He's in a better place - Fuck Off.
You can have another child/At least you have other kids - No really, Fuck Off. Far, far, away.
God just wanted another angel - Have a steaming bowl of Bullshit with a giant side of Fuck Off.
It was his time to go - Perhaps so, but I don't want to hear it right now, Fuck Off.
You have to be strong for X - Bullshit and Fuck Off.
God never gives us more than we can handle - Well it's lucky I'm so strong! I don't feel it, so it's Bullshit. Now Fuck Off.

Is there anything I can do for you - Actually, this question isn't so bad compared to the others...

If you're offended by the above, then I apologies. But grief can be ugly.

In case you're wondering, the advice I'd give for those grieving can be found here.

The time being part of a denomination helps

No doubt, they are out of fashion.
When churches rebrand, generally, the thing which gets dropped is the traditional title of their denomination.

And, admittedly, they can be annoying.
They can seem out of touch...
They can be weighed down by those entrenched "in the system"...
A large system which, sometimes, seems to slow the movements of God...
A structure which can be difficult to wade through...
An expense which can be used more effectively elsewhere.

But, being a part of a main-stream denomination, like my church is, does have some significant positives.

First, it makes you a part - for better or worse - of something bigger. Your small church is one of many. With united-ish views. Under one symbol.

Furthermore, you're a part of a history. A legacy. You're connected to those who, generations ago, decided to stand unified. You're identified with theologies which have been debated and cherished.

But, being a part of a denomination really kicks in at a crucial time...
An emergency.

Being a part of something bigger is of critical importance when scandal or tragedy strike.

Why?
Because they have the structures to help you deal with them.
They have the history, in all likelihood, of dealing with the situation before.
You are not alone.

Don't believe me?
Mars Hill has imploded because it wasn't a part of something bigger. It was isolated and, thus, vulnerable. For, when it got hit by a mega crisis, it was without the structures, or history, to overcome it.

Now, just by being a part of a denomination might not have saved Mars Hill, but I know that whenever I, my church, or one of my colleagues have been thrown an unexpected bout of turbulence, I've been glad that there was something bigger behind me to help us get through.

Is this what I signed up for?

Some days, those in ministry get home from work and allow their mind to wander back to their initial, first-date-like, job interview.

They think about the promises made.
They think about the rose-coloured perspectives.
They think about the flawless faces which greeted them on their first Sunday.

They then look at what the people at their church go through and wonder... Is this what I signed up for?

Tragedy.
Emergences.
Cancer.
Accidents.
Sickness.
Death.
Miscarriage.
Depression.
Disappointment.
Retrenchment.
Scandal.
Failure.

The answer, no matter how cordial the interview was nor what your job description includes, is a resounding yes.

If you decide to work in ministry, you signed up to the privilege to share life with other people.

Broken people.
Messy people.
Brave people.
Imperfect people.

In ministry, if you're lucky enough, you're able to journey besides people through the ups-and-downs of life.

When life, inevitably, throws something difficult at churchgoers, these ARE the time you signed up for.

A WHAT meeting?

Last Sunday, if we were live streaming our evening service, I'd be Internet famous right now.

Whilst making an announcement about an upcoming, and important, congregational meeting I said something slightly alternate.

A conjugational meeting.

It was not unnoticed.

How the wires in my mind went from congregational to a mash-up of conjugal (if you're wondering why that might be a little awkward, then this might assist), I don't know, but at least I didn't make this guys mistake...

Before and after family ministry expectations

Those who work with kids on a Sunday morning can get frustrated by the flocculating numbers experienced each week.

One week you'll have a handful of kids, the next you'll get a near-full-turnout, seemingly, without any discernable pattern or reason.

Thus, planning can be problematic and, on a week you've got something special planned, quite discouraging, if that happens to be the Sunday families "have off."

We can even, in our weaker moments, wonder why families are "so flakey" when it comes to church attendance.

But, there are two stages of life for those who work with families...
Before, when you expected families to be a church each week, and after.

Before, when you didn't fully get why families are tired, stressed, overworked, and after.

Before, when you didn't live the life of someone on four hours sleep - months on end, and after

Before, when you didn't know what croup was or were kept up due to whooping cough, and after.

Before, when you didn't have to plan the next day ahead for someone who's totally dependent upon you, and after.

Before, when each journey didn't involve car seats and contingency plans "just in case," and after.

Before, when you didn't have a toddler who can radically tantrum at any given moment, and after.

Before, when toilet training and "big girl pants" never entered your mind at the start of the day, and after (what my wife and I are going through currently).

Before, when you didn't have kids, and after.

Before, when you didn't understand, and after, when you do.

A commonly quoted "stat" is that a regular church family will make it to church twice a month.

Once you've got kids, the perspective you have for those families transforms.

Now that my wife and I ARE THOSE FAMILIES, getting to church when able... despite our willingness, I LOVE IT whenever families attend church.

Because now I understand just how much of an effort it is...