How long until sex gets good?

Sex, at the start, can be awkward.

A while ago I saw a couple who’s wedding I attended approximately a year prior. Having been married for a significant period of time, I wondered if sex was great yet.

Sure, it depends upon a hundred details which I have no idea about, but my mind did wonder back to the honest sex conversation I had before I was married.

A mate told me that sex doesn’t get good for around three years.

Three! Years! 

Without giving you a glimpse into the bedroom with my current or ex wife, I wouldn’t completely agree.

But, it definitely doesn’t happen instantly. Or within a week. Or month. Or longer...

And, maths will back me up.

Let’s say, as a Christian, that you’re relatively new to sex.

Assuming that you had sex, say twice a week (I’ll use this number for the simplicity of maths), and you don’t have sex while she has her period (which is a genuine possibility, but a choice the couple can make due to a myriad of reasons), then you’ll have sex approximately six times a month before a break of around 5 days.

From what my wife was told by a friend, it takes around 8-10 times until sex stops being uncomfortable for the female. From our frequency above, which is increased due to the honeymoon, this would take up the first month of married bliss.

Furthermore, very few people, never mind the sexually inexperienced, jump headlong into a complex sexual repertoire. Thus, you’d probably begin with a few go-to positions.

With a window of a half-dozen opportunities per month, it may take a while to be comfortable to find, expand and be comfortable with your sexual range. Again, with the above frequency and dependant upon your sense of adventure and openness of communication, this may take another few months. Maybe more.

So, how long does it take until sex gets “good”?

That’s impossible to say, but I’d advise a perspective husband to expect somewhere around six months.

But, how does this explain the advice which I received?

I suspect, his answer had to do with the progressive definition of good.

Sex, can be “good” from day one. Hopefully, it would be.

But, sex after a month is a better form of “good.”

And better again after six months.

And again after a year.

When it comes go hitting your sexual sweet spot, where you are both completely comfortable having overcome any obstacles or awkwardness and identified both of your preferences and turn-offs, this can, conceivably, take years.

But that journey is one of the blessings of marriage.

Who’s prepared to give the REAL sex talk?

When I got married a few months ago I didn’t need a chat about the ins-and-outs of sex. It wasn’t my first wedding.

But, when I initially got married over a decade ago I did have a chat with a mate about the “hidden” details of sex.

What importance do we place upon realistic expectations for newlyweds?

In general, I suspect that the ladies handle this far better. 

I can imagine a woman being prepared to answer the questions a soon-to-be bride might have.

I don’t imagine this for many blokes.

I wonder...
Who will talk to the guy about contraception?
Who will chat to the guy about periods? 
What about sex during menstruation, or lack thereof?
Who will clear up his expectations, depending upon his consumption of porn?
Who will chat, if it’s applicable, about sex as virgins?
What about oral sex?
Orgasms?
Anal sex?
Lube?

No matter if the upcoming groom has hundreds of questions, a few clarifications or one simple enquiry, is there a Christian man willing and able to sit down and have an honest discussion?

Perhaps, we just expect the minister to do this, but I don’t think it’s a part of the usual wedding package.

Furthermore, if we just leave the impending groom to the “wisdom” of the internet, mens’ magazines and his non-believing mates, are we, as a church, doing him a massive disservice?

Can you RSVP death notices?

Over the past two decades I’ve worked at four churches. In general, once you move on from a church you loose contact with most members you had direct pastoral oversight of. As callous as it may sound, it’s only fair for whoever replaces you and you need the physical and emotional space in order to adequately care for those within your new placement.

It goes without saying that you lose complete contact with the wider church you used to work for.

No matter how influential, supportive or foundational a person may be, chances are you’ll hear no updates about their welfare. Facebook may be the only place you’d receive any news. 

But I wonder, when it comes to the pillars of a church you’ve previously had a long term association with, is there a way to keep touch in case you’d want to go to a significant persons’ funeral?

As ghoulish as it may sound, can you periodically check in with a connection still present or outright tell that you’d want notification once someone passes on?

A few weeks ago I was in a hardware store and bumped into a member of my home church, which I haven’t stepped foot in into - even between ministry jobs - for five years. In the few moments we chatted me mentioned that a member of the church, who I knew but had little interaction with, had died. I’m sure he thought the news would have been more shocking to me.

While newsworthy, this casual mention would be an awful way for me to discover the deaths of a few, select, members of prior churches.

I wonder, once you’d been at a church for a lengthy time, should you leave a list of members whom you’d like major updates with so you don’t miss funerals?

The danger of a new building

I’ve been at a number of churches who have wanted to, been in the middle of and have completed a building project.

Honestly, these times can be really challenging.

While the construction is happening you can feel like you’re church is in a now-but-not-yet stage of life.

But this inaction during the building process is just one hurdle a church or ministry must beware of.

One danger emerges once the project is finally complete.

Usually, after what has felt like a drawn-out process, the shiny new building can lead a church in two directions...

The negative one is a place of completion. The building becomes an end-point. The building is seen as an accomplishment. 

In short, everything slows down.

Alternatively, the building can project a church in a positive direction. The building can be a launching pad. The building is the start of new things. 

In short, everything is energised.

Ideally, every church uses their new building as a positive stepping stone to greater Kingdom Impact.

But, all too many churches treat their new building like the Old Testament Temple. 

A church can see that they have constructed a monument that people now need to visit in order to meet with God. They can see their new building as an expense that needs to be justified, usually a defensive mindset, which minimises further risk.

One aspect, which steers the direction of church, is now the leadership responds to their new building. Hopefully, the building process hasn’t drawn those in charge towards a negative mindset, with the building seen as a sunset instead of the dawn of something new.

The reason you must record your first sermon

Somewhere, I’ve got a video of one of my first sermons. While it was only recorded for a preaching assignment, the practice of documenting one of your initial sermons is invaluable.

Last Sunday my church had a preacher, who from outward appearances, was inexperienced. What he said was pretty good, but he also made a few rookie missteps.

He should have videoed that sermon.
If he did he would have learnt a lot.

As painful as it can be to view yourself on camera, recording yourself has two powerful positives.

First, if nothing else, the video can be a keepsake of your first time in the pulpit. It can be something you look back on and, potentially, groan over.

Second, you’ll be able to identify and begin to address significant issues you may have as an inexperienced speaker. You’ll quickly notice verbal and physical ticks which, if you didn’t get an outside perspective, you may have remained oblivious to. Once identified, you can begin to address these issues, like repeating filler words, not remaining grounded, pacing, transitions between points, interaction between yourself with your slides/props (like reading off the screen) and appropriate eye contact.

Is the church a singer production line?

Seemingly, every mainstream singing competition is full of those who sing in their church. I don’t think this is a coincidence.

Why?

Because the shower is the main place where people sing. Or a performance of the national anthem.

Really... That’s it. 

It’s true for theists, atheists, seekers and searchers.

But christians get another avenue to regularly sing - church.

And I wonder if this results in the church producing a larger percentage of singers.

Frankly, I’m not sure.

At any church, realistically, there are a few of excellent singers (1 percent) and a bunch of good singers (5 percent).

So, at a mid-sized church of 200, they will have, say, 2 great vocalists and a dozen good singers.  

At church they will get a regular, if not weekly, avenue to sing.

And herein, I believe lies the secret of the churches, seemingly, abundance of singers.

Opportunity.

Really, unless you’re in a choir, the ordinary person will not get a chance to regularly sing.

I think this sends a powerful message to the church.

Give people an opportunity.
Provide chances for people to explore and exercise their talents, skills and gifts.

Firstly, this will provide them with an avenue to use the talents God has given them.

Second, with healthy boundaries, this will dramatically increase buy in for the person.

And third, the church may be one of the few ways the person will be able to use their talents.

The questions behind every good sermon

Last week, as part of a bible study I was leading, I took a group of young adults through some of the process I went through when writing a sermon. 

It was really enjoyable. In a way, it showed how a sermon is shaped and, I hope, will allow them to appreciate (both preparation and content) a sermon slightly better.

Through the process, we asked five basic questions...

Where does the book fit in the bible?
Where does the passage fit within the book?
What is important or noteworthy from the passage?
What questions emerge from the passage?
Where is the gospel in the passage - how does it point to Jesus?

The only question we didn’t address, due to time restraints, was the final one...

How does this passage apply to Christian living today?

In my opinion, any sermon which addresses these six questions effectively has the structure of a quality sermon.

Repeating your open air script?

Last week I saw an open air preacher. For me, even being at university, this is unusual.

It was at the entrance of a large event in Sydney and, from all appearances, the guy wasn’t being listened to by anyone especially.

I didn’t stop to listen.

But I did wonder about open air preaching...

If that guy was at the entrance of the event for a few hours, does he keep delivering fresh material, or does he just keep repeating the same sermon?

With a transient crowd, having fresh sermons seems redundant due to the constant refreshment of the audience.

But, with an crowd with only a few moments to listen, would you be prepared to say the same sermon - say going ten minutes - 30 times in a row? 
How do you decide which sermon is the one worthy of the airtime? 
Also, what would happen if someone does stick around for a sizeable chunk of time or was stuck within earshot?

Link as closely as possible when preaching

This past week I was listening to a sermon in which the preacher made a small, albeit significant, misstep.

During the message he connected a principal from the parable he was preaching from to some words Jesus spoke upon the cross. It was a pretty good point.

But, in connecting the two passages he used two different gospels.

The trouble was that he didn’t need to since the same words were recorded at the end of the gospel he was preaching from.

In reality, it’s not a big deal. No one would have noticed.

But I do believe that an important teaching principal was missed.

Those within the congregation should be encouraged, when interpreting the bible, to, where possible, allow the bible to explain itself - especially within the same book.

In jumping from one gospel to another the preacher missed the chance to make this point and I think the phrase “as recorded elsewhere in the same gospel” makes a stronger point than just linking the point to another section of scripture.

Explain & jargon > Jargon & explain

Justification.
Sanctification.
Redemption.
Anything in ancient Greek.

In church we know how to insert a term of church jargon. 
This is especially so within sermons.

Usually, the term is dropped and then (hopefully!) explained.

But we have the order backwards.

I think a far better practice would be to explain the phrase we are going to use and then say what the term is.

This works since it allows people to absorb the meaning and application of a term before being bombarded by a bunch of sylables. 

For those of lower literacy and less church exoericpence, this would be of great benefit.

And, as a bonus, I suspect they they will be far more likely to engage with and learn the term since the instant disengagement caused by foreign terms is avoided.

You must provide service off-ramps

Sometimes church services to go over time.

Famously, when I was new to ministry, I ran a morning service which spiralled into a lunchtime service.

I still get nightmares about it.

If there are no time pressures after the service, a leader might be lead to continue singing or have a time of prayer, extending the service will beyond the usual conclusion time.

One thing I saw a while back, done brilliantly, was for the leader to give people permission to leave at the usual time. 

Knowing the service would go long, they concluded the service in the usual manner, providing the space for those who need to leave to do so, and seamlessly giving those who wanted to stay the option.

It was a really good practice, because it showed awareness that the service was going to go long, but also validated the genuine need some might have to leave - no matter what that reason is.

At or around the designated time, every service should have an off-ramp, with a conclusion and a blessing, no matter what is going to happen after those words are spoken.

In order to honour those who attend with others things going on, it only seems fair.

What do you do when a prayer is hijacked?

Can you stop someone saying a prayer?
Is there a right to interrupt?
What if a pontificating prayer won’t stop?

These questions went through my mind a few weeks back when, seemingly, someone hijacked a time of open prayer.

They went on...
And on...
In a mini sermonette/rant...

And I wondered... What does the leader do???

I suppose, if it’s a once off, then someone can be forgiven for getting carried away during open prayer. It happens. Maybe they’re new and punchy prayers aren’t the way they do things at their church.

But, what if someone has a reputation for lengthy, even unhelpful, prayer diatribes?

Do you use a prayer blocker, who may gently squeeze their arm or whisper in their ear to allow others a turn?
Is that really practical?
What if they get ignored?

Is the only solution a large AMEN from the front?
In some case, I suspect, it may be the only way out of the situation...

How unforgiveness is like a bad case of road rage

A few weeks ago, at the church I attend with my girls, we were in small groups talking about forgiveness.

While chatting about the reason we need to forgive others, I stumbled over a decent analogy.

I mentioned that we need to forgive others, otherwise we become like the angry driver, who when cut off in traffic, doesn’t just beep the other driver, but follows them.

Ultimately, we stop going to your destination, following the path we want to go, and and journey is dictated by the one we have, in our mind, been wronged by.

In short, we not go where they are going, not where we were going.

I think this mirrors unforgiveness well since it encapsulated the trap of harbouring a grudge.

It controls you.
It leads you.
It stops you from doing what you can or should be doing.

Frankly, you loose freedom with unforgiveness.

This is the danger of unforgiveness, since the venom we intend to inflict on others slowly infects ourselves.

What do you do if you don’t like your minister?

NOTE: I’m writing this beside a beach on Fiji since I’m in my honeymoon. Apologies for the lack of posts lately, I’ve been very busy with the wedding and university.

Over a dozen years in youth ministry, across four churches, I’d worked with a number of ministers. Fortunetly, Ive liked most of the ministers I’ve worked beside.

I’ve heard of plenty of nightmares though.

Ministers who have been lazy.
Ministers who have been demanding.
Ministers who have been controlling.
Ministers who have been stuck in their ways.

Dare I say, people within the churches I’ve worked for haven’t always been great fans of the way I’ve done things.

To a point, this is just luck and an occupational hazard of working for a church.

But, I’ve also liked the vast majority of ministers at the churches I’ve attended for any significant length of time.

Again, I’ve heard plenty of nightmares.

Ministers who are boring.
Ministers who don’t provide care.
Ministers who use power plays.
Ministers who manipulate others.

Dare I say, there have been members of churches who I’ve rubbed the wrong way. No doubt.

What do you do when, as a congregant, you don’t like your minister?

Ideally, this wouldn’t happen too often because, if your searching for a church to attend, you’d only select a church with a minister you, at least, semi-like. Furthermore, any church you attend, when they select a new ministry agent, will select someone personable.

But, what if you’re stuck at a church with a minister you genuinely don’t like?

Say, your minister goes on long service leave, a study sabbatical or retires and you loathe the fill in?

Or, worse still, their permanent replacement, in your opinion - having given them plenty of time and chances - is a douche?

How does it effect your discipleship?
How does it effect your zeal for evangelism?

Do you connect with their sermons less?
To what degree is your willingness to serve diminished?

Can you invite someone to church, but warn that your minister, in your view, is rubbish?

Are you obligated to describe your minister in glowing terms, allowing any newcomer to decide for themselves?

Of course, every congregant of a church will not be best mates with their minister, but the whole dilemma adds a degree of pressure for those ministers who are a little socially awkward or prickly (and these absolutely exist!).

Don’t neglect the irregular lessons

Every church has irregular participants.
Every ministry has irregular attenders.

One of my aims as a youth minister was to try to achieve 80% attendance.

But, I knew, for some, it just wouldn’t happen.

They would only turn up to some things.

But, this holds useful information.

This selective attendance can be productive in both planning and understanding those who attend your ministry.

In some cases, attendance spikes allow you to evaluate the type of gimmicks which are effective. Everything from time, inclusion of food and location can be gauged by those who will only attend if the event hits their logistic targets.

Furthermore, the types of event can help you sense what type of things they value, attract them or help them connect with God.

Do they value or avoid a certain ritual?
Do they only come with certain friends?
Do they attend at certain times of the year?

All too often we write off those who irregularly attend, understandably, focussing on those who we can count on to be present.

But, we shouldn’t neglect the information we can glean from the times fringe-attenders are present. 

Should schools get Acts 4:31 insurance?

Currently, my church meets in a school hall due to long term redevelopment of their building.

I wonder how concerned the school is...

In theory, the church should be a great tenant.
They will be courteous.
They will be committed.
They will be clean.

But, they may also shake your building...
At least if they are an “Acts” church.

I wonder, with many churches wanting to be “like the church in Acts,” how many have reminded their landlords of Acts 4:31?

Do they warn them that their facility may be vibrated by the Holy Spirit?
Is there a form of insurance that they recommend the school get?
Or, is this covered by the “act of God” clause within policies?

Why the university holiday boost is not sustainable

I’m not a regular university student. I’m in my 30’s. I work full time. I’ve got two kids.

But, I’ve got the holidays of a university student.

Even with attending Summer school, I’ve had a month of study holidays. Without studying over the summer, I’d have been on holidays from mid November.

That’s a lot of time off...

Hopefully, young adults of faith put this time to good use.

They commit to spiritual disciples.
They get stuck into ministry opportunities.
They get their hands dirty.

Of course, the danger of this is that it does not last.

If you set up your young adults for a spiritual boost over the holidays then they’ll find that this opportunity soon dries up.

Employment only gives you 4 weeks of holidays.
Kids never give you time off.
Adulting is full time.

So, while it is useful to encourage those with idle time to commit to injecting energy into their faith, a more productive - at least long term - practice would be to encourage and resource young people to engage with their faith in times when they are not free. For, this is the life which awaits them in the future...

Bi-cultural ministry questions

Having worked in the most inclusive and multicultural denomination in Australia for over a decade, I was reminded of some of the significant questions I’d ask those from other cultures, when it comes to their faith and church life, while hearing the testimony of someone last week.

Being an Anglo male in leadership, my experience of church was often quite different to others from other cultures.

In order to both understand them, their history and their faith more, I’d ask the following...

Do you engage with God in your native language? If so, when? 
If you own and can read the bible in your native language, do you find it different compared to English?
Do you engage with worship or sermons differently depending what language they are delivered in?
How is your church different because of your culture?
How do you engage with church leadership? 
What do you value in the faith of your parents?

How to tap into the spiritual ZPD

There’s an educational philosophy called the Zone of Proximinal Development. In short, it refers to a level of learning a student is capable of based on their own abilities. Ideally, a teacher aims to reach a student within their ZPD in order for the information to not be too easy or too far over their head. With assistance, experience and practice, the student should have their ZPD expended over the course of a subject.

Is there such a thing as a spiritual ZPD?

At a theoretical level, there must be. Everyone will have a self-assessed level that they can understand and engage with God. Someone’s theological understanding, biblical competence and experience will all effect the way they can comprehend the bible, what happens within a church service and during their personal spiritual disciplines.

General relegation would suggest that no one is approaching God at a zero-point ZPD. Through creation and the conscious, no one is without the natural testimony of God.

But, if a spiritual ZPD does exist, then how should a minister utilise it?

Anyone who has lead a mixed group, such as a youth ministry with both unbelievers and church families - especially a minister’s child - knows the challenge of a varied ZPD.

A similar challenge exists within the church service which will have deeply committed believers and those struggling in or exploring the faith.

I believe the best way to tap into an individuals ZPD is to delve into application. If you make your teachings practical, as they should be nonetheless, then you’re more likely to hit the ZPD.

For an individual knows, with the help of their conscience and the Holy Spirit - which will add a layer of complexity - how they can apply the gospel message. They know who they need to forgive. Where they need to exercise compassion. Or which sin they need to wrestle with. 

This is true no matter how developed your ZPD is.

But, everything is complicated because no believer is alone. 

The bible says that the Spirit of God will help them. It will reveal truths in the bible. It will convict them. It will give them peace from outside of themselves.

So, no believer is solely responsible for their growth. Your ZPD is upheld by the Holy Spirit. It is a gift from God and, unlike what you’re taught in school, your spiritual ZPD is enlarged as much by faithfulness, commitment and sanctification, as it is by comprehension and the ability to recall. 

If you teach the bible, you get the topics

I once knew a guy who, for a term of his high school scripture lessons, all he would do is read a chapter of the bible and them discuss it with the class.

It was... dangerous.

Usually, scripture lessons are driven by themes and topics.

These are easy.

For, I can think of plenty of landmines which people would try to avoid in the bible.

Murder.

Marriage.

Divorce.

Women in the church.

Homosexuality.

Sin.

Sex.

But the bible, particularly the epistles, won't allow this.

They are filled with topics we try to skirt around.

And, this was the rationale this scripture teacher had.

When it come to the topics which matter, they will come up organically and he would be prepared to speak about what the chapter was about. 

He believed that you shouldn't cherry-pick your topics.

This makes people think that you're hiding something.

This makes for underdeveloped theology.

This makes for a weakened spiritual discipline of bible reading and engagement.

So, he deals with the tough topics.

And, while it's dangerous, it's also one of the most mature ways to treat the bible and one of the most faithful examples to set.