Basically, i get someone to stand on a chair with someone beside them. The person on the chair represents the Christian. The person on the ground represents the non-believer.
The person on the chair then tries to pull the other person up onto the chair.
The person on the ground does nothing more than passively resist.
Finally, the person next to the chair actively tries to pull the other off the chair.
I have done this dozens of times and i have never seen anyone pulled up onto the chair. Similarly i can barely think of someone who has been an effective evangelistic influence on their non-believing partner.
Actually... Only one.
In a decade and a half, across three churches, beach missions, camps, bible college and miscellaneous other networks i know of ONE PERSON who has come to faith due to their partners beliefs.
The odds do not remotely slant in favour of the Christian.
I can think of a stack of people who have walked away from their faith through this process. I can think of significant leaders who have left their ministry if not their faith behind over this issue. I can think of many a close walk with God becoming a distant connection for a period of time. "Evangelistic dating" damages the church in a way that is staggering.
And yet young Christians keep thinking it won't happen to them.
And God identified this way back in the Old Testament.
Before God's people were to enter the Promised Land God warned then about intermingling with those who in Canaan (Deuteronomy 7:3).God warned that in doing so, they will be influenced.
And not in a good way.
God warned that the Israelites would be turned away from following God due to the influence of those outside the community of faith.
And that is exactly what happened. It happened to those who entered the Promised Land and it still happens today.
9 comments:
graham, i know we've had this conversation before but i think your theories only work in 'perfect christian world' where all christians love christ and do everything he says. through the church i've met A LOT of 'christian' guys who are disrespectful jerks who i would never want a girl, christian or not, to date. i'm now dating a guy who doesn't follow christ but through the way he acts is the most christian guy i've ever met. there's always exceptions to the rule but i've found these are more than just rare exceptions, its reality.
Yes, there are exceptions. Thus maketh the rule. I've only met one. Perhaps you could make two.
But these are rare exceptions. The odds going in are pretty rough.
As for jerk guys, i would say they don't deserve to be seriously dated. Whatever they think of Jesus, they are jerks.
Still, generally, dating someone who has a different worldview are dangerous waters to navigate. Most don't travel them easily.
I feel that those who date Non Christians probably walk away more out of guilt than their because their partner isnt a Christian.
From the early days of youth ministry onwards Christians are told not to date non Christians because it's bad. When someone starts dating a non Christian they probably feel judged and awkward and so walk away from the church. I get the idea they walk away because they feel they're Bo longer worthy to be there in either God's eyes, everyone else's eyes our both.
Perhaps the solution isn't in making Christians not date Christians, but rather stop being so judgmental.
In my experience those who have dated non Christians and then walked away already had a foot out the door anyway.
As for missionary dating. I don't think people are trying to convert their partners but rather just respect each others beliefs.
Your illustration really is a non sequitur.
Why not have the person on the chair represent the non Christian, and the person on the ground represent the Christian?
Actually, if you did that, then gravity could represent the Holy Spirit....
Claire,
From what i've seen, you're right that some are already heading for the exit door. But i don't think that the relationship helps fix the situation.
The reason? Time and allegiances. People tend to drift away from God when they are dating someone who does not share their faith. It starts with missing youth group or church occasionally to hang with your partner, then gets more frequent. Then church becomes irregular. Then church becomes a side thought.
Your danger of drifting away is heightened. This at least makes it unwise (where the whole series began).
Is the church overly judgemental? Maybe. Could believers be more graceful and less harsh? Perhaps.
But experience would suggest that it's something to be avoided and warned against.
Whilst people may not purposely "missionary date," often this is the reason they give once in the relationship.
Finally, the amended illustration wouldn't reflect the experience since the influence and results would favour the Christian. I don't think it does in most cases. But no illustration is perfect...
Kim, I agree that our world is less than ideal, and there are some jerks out there (some who claim to believe in God and others who don't).
For me, I also see an important part of relationship with a guy to be growing in our knowledge of God together - I want him to be someone who spurs me on in my walk with God and who thinks the same way about important issues, as Graham's highlighted.
Claire, I agree that we as Christians are (or at times appear to be) quite judgemental of others when we shouldn't be. Churches should be a place where people are loved and accepted, but at the same time hear the truth of God's Word, which at times can cause pain because it reveals our need to change.
I have a good friend who married a guy who wasn't a Christian when they were dating, and unfortunately still isn't :( She's been serving in ministry at church for a long time, and still walks faithfully with God (though this is rare!). She has also shared how difficult the journey has been.
They've ended up leading quite separate, independent lives and it breaks her heart to know that if Jesus came back today she would be in heaven, but her husband would not.
I realise dating isn't marriage, however, I do believe once we're dating our decisions can often be clouded by our emotions. And dating may lead to marriage. So I think it is wise to figure out how we can best glorify God in our 'dating' as well as in life in general.
Thanks Alison, it's great to have the input from an elder (not that you are old!), Christian female.
Graham you're right, that relationship isn't going to fix the situation at all. But no one is expecting it to.
So long as you're with someone who respects your beliefs I don't think it matters who you date.
Sure, don't get me wrong, dating a christian guy is definitely the easier option. But in life we can't always take the easy option cause the easy option isn't always available.
A non Christian partner who respectes your beliefs will let you have that time on friday and sunday nights to go the church and youth group or whatever. If they don't then YES they ARE the wrong person. But no, not all non Christians are like this. Non Christians are still good people and aren't necessarily going to try and drag someone away from God.
Most people who attend church are female. There are less males than females. (I have no official record of this but on many occasions I have seen this to be true).
Why should a Christian woman live her whole life alone waiting for the perfect Christian male to date? Not all Christian women ARE going to find the perfect Christian male. So why should she then give up on being happy with someone else and having a family.
Doesn't the Bible say that we are made for relationships? Why should those who are lucky enough to find a Christian guy to marry be the only ones who get to have this fulfilled? That wouldn't be fair.
Also, even if you are dating a Christian how could you ever expect that even THEY hold the same views as you about Christianity anyway. As we can see just from this blog that many people view many different things about Christianity quite differently.
Alison, I understand what you are saying. I also have a friend in the same situation and I think that if I were in this situation too I would hate it too. But being lonely for the rest of your life cause you are waiting for the perfect Christian is a pretty bad feeling too.
Bit of a late response, but hey i stumbled accross this blog a week ago or something like that, and i thought about it again only today, being nearly easter.
Im not going to lie to you, so to start off with: I am an atheist, have been all my life, not one relative that i know of is religious at all, so I had extremely little exposure to christianity and religion in general, maybe i was missing out, i dunno
Im at Uni right now, in Australia, and I have been seeing my current girlfriend for since year 10, so so we've been together for about 5 years now. She is christian, and goes to church every sunday and all that, and believes in no sex before marriage, which at first was difficult to overcome, but I did.
This PERFECTLY illustrates the point i wish to make. I have absolutely no faith, and she is christian, has been her whole life. I strongly dislike this chair analogy mainly because it makes the assumption that the Non-believer will "drag the believer down", when it is not always the case. In fact, things were just fine in the first place, the chair was fine holding one person and we already acknowledge that the person on the ground isn't going to move, so why try to?
And if Miranda and I end up getting married, she can take the kids to church and raise them to be christians if she so chooses. If they ask why dad doesn't come to church with them, I will explain my point of view, not press it.
Im not trying to start an argument, or a debate (unless you are up for a friendly one, in which case "bring it on" :P) however right now, im finding it hard to not feel judged based on my religious beliefs. Isn't that something else that christians have trouble with too?
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