Wednesday, November 19, 2014

A safe person for two unsafe responses

BE WARNED: The following post involves swear words. But, in the context they are used, they are, although uncomfortable, somewhat appropriate.

When I read this post on about the 10 Things You Should Never Say to a Grieving Person, I had two responses.

These are the two responses I've both felt, and recommend to people/warned people about, when they're going through a time of tragedy - especially death or miscarriage.

Bullshit and Fuck Off (I did warn you! Don't keep reading if you're offended).

Whenever you're fresh off an event of misfortune or heart-break rationality is not your friend. Sometimes, Bullshit and Fuck Off will be the things which spring to mind and someone needs to allow space for them.

In fact, one of the most important people are those whom you can, even retrospectively, say Bullshit and Fuck Off to. It might not be directed to them personally, but someone who can be a safe sounding board for Bullshit and Fuck Off. Bullshit to the cliques. Fuck off to the idiots.

For, when people are trying to be comforting, they can be unhelpful. And awkward. Even hurtful.

And, at these times, you'll feel one, if not both, responses...

The linked-to article gives a quality run down why the following statements are, intentionally or unintentionally, boneheaded.

But this post is about feelings.
Raw, irrational, feelings.

And they aren't always pretty.

For example, from the article on ministrymatters... This is what's gone through my mind while grieving...

I know how you feel - Bullshit and Fuck Off.
God has a will in this/There is a reason for everything/God is in control - I don't need to hear this right now, Fuck Off.
How are you doing? - How do you think dickhead? Fuck Off.
He's in a better place - Fuck Off.
You can have another child/At least you have other kids - No really, Fuck Off. Far, far, away.
God just wanted another angel - Have a steaming bowl of Bullshit with a giant side of Fuck Off.
It was his time to go - Perhaps so, but I don't want to hear it right now, Fuck Off.
You have to be strong for X - Bullshit and Fuck Off.
God never gives us more than we can handle - Well it's lucky I'm so strong! I don't feel it, so it's Bullshit. Now Fuck Off.

Is there anything I can do for you - Actually, this question isn't so bad compared to the others...

If you're offended by the above, then I apologies. But grief can be ugly.

In case you're wondering, the advice I'd give for those grieving can be found here.

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