Living up to my own unspoken expectations

Everyday I have a lot to do.

Well… a lot I’d like to do.

A lot… I’ve planned to do.

German or maths lessons twice a day on Duolingo.

Complete a chapter or more of bible or commentary reading every day.

Write a Tiny Bible Bit every Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

Complete the household chores on our to-do list.

Create lesson plans for every lesson I teach.

Write and complete an annotated outline of my teaching day every workday.

Write a blog post per week.

Finish all the daily notes I leave for myself.

Stay on top of the ever-expanding gardening renovation and upkeep around our house.

There’s a lot on my plate.

And no one knows.

No one keeps track of my Duolingo streak aside from myself (it’s currently 2393 FYI)

No one really knows that I’m the author of an online devotional or a blog.

No one knows where I’m up to in my five-year bible reading plan (it should be complete at the end of 2027) or what I’m currently reading/studying (it’s Isaiah 50-66).

No one knows some of the visions I have outlined for the garden (I’m hoping to have completed by 18 month plan by the end of winter).

I’m the only teacher in existence who plans his days as meticulous as I do. I don’t really need detailed and I’m the only one who sees them.

I get mocked for my start-of-the-day routine of handwriting my teaching day (even though it’s caught on to a few others in my faculty).

It annoys my wife that I have a parallel calendar of what I want to get done every day, week and year in my phone that she doesn’t get access to.

But, the majority of these tasks don’t really exist.

They are made up.

They are on a timeline only I’m aware of.

They fuel anxiety that I’m the only one feeding.

And, I get a sense of satisfaction or annoyance depending on my completion of my mind-tasks.

So, really, they are universally meaningless.

No one usually suffers if they don’t get done.

No one would notice if I forgot any task.

No one would judge me if I didn’t complete my lists.

But…

I would know.

For, when it comes to many of the lists which a make - be they over the next six-hours, day, week, year or decades - they help to organise my thoughts and help block the sleeve of my memory.

They, in many ways, provide a safety-net and a reference point for me to turn to.

But, they also hang over me like a chronological sword of Damocles.

This is burden of having to life up to my own unspoken expectations.