The checking-out signs

I've written about youth/young adult drop out points and those who leave/are considering leaving the church a significant amount.

Why? Because it happens all too often.

If you hang around a church long enough, other people will leave. Some will leave well, others will not.

Chances are, given enough time, you'll also transition through a church or two.

But the decision to leave is not always an abrupt choice. It comes in stages and with warning signs.

For, before people drop out, they usually start to check out...

They check out financially - they stop giving or purposely redirect their gifts to "certain areas."
They check out intellectually - they stop engaging their mind and go into screen-saver mode during sermons.
They check out relationally - they disconnect from people at church, only engaging in safe small-talk.
They check out emotionally - they stop caring about the vision or the overall well-being of the church.

All these can, and normally do, happen well before someone drops out physically.

The drop-out commonality

I’ve thought about drop out points in ministry a lot. I’ve written about them a lot.

But one thing I’ve not really thought too much about, when it comes to the expanding list of ministry weak-points, is what these drop out points have in common.

Isolation.

No matter if it is due to life transition or the awkwardness created because you’ve broken up with your partner, the opportunity to drop out arises once you become disconnected.

And this disconnection leads to two connected consequences.

1 - You’re not pursued.

2 - You’re unchecked.

In short, no one will call you and you can now do whatever you want.

For, when you get isolated, fewer people are intentionally checking up on you and, thus, accountability wains.

This is what enables young adults to drift away.

This is what allows those who move suburbs to not find a new church.

This is what lays the platform for the newly-dumped boyfriend to leave.

The reason people leave that we MUST speak about

Youth ministry drop out points. Again.

I keep returning to this topic because, first of all, it keeps entering my mind. I think about it a lot.

Second, the issue matters. Those who are connected to the church - never mind in vocational ministry - must care about those within the church. This, inevitably, will involve those who transition out of the church.

Third, I genuinely believe that this is a topic that demands to be spoken about. It matters. And enough people don’t think about it or speak about it.

So…here we are again.

But, I also keep returning to this topic because I keep discovering ways that I’ve undersold it. For, it is much bigger, deeper and more complex topic which a series of ages, life stages, or relational steps won’t cover.

And this drop out point is dark.

It is painful.

It is devastating.

Abuse.

Physical.

Sexual.

Spiritual.

This is a drop out point that is self-inflicted by the church.

And, it is one that can result in the door of the church being permanently closed.

But, it exists.

Shamefully.

And, it must be spoken about.

To do otherwise would be to continue a history of silence, wilful ignorance and cover-up.

So… while it hurts to say, abuse must be a factor adding to those leaking out the back door of the church.

The victims.

Their family.

Their friends.

A church must have a plan to send well

I sometimes feel that this blog could be titled “Ramblings about Youth and Young Adult Ministry Drop Out Points.” I write about them a lot.

Some drop out points are initiated by life change alone.

No underlying animosity.
No awkwardness.

In fact, some drop out points should be celebrated like getting married or the birth of a child.

In light of this, every young adult ministry must have a strategy for these transitions. 

In short, they must have an aim to send well.

If it’s sending them to another church, be it down the road or the one that their new spouse already attends...
If it’s sending them abroad to study...
If it’s releasing them from some of their ministry commitments due to full-time work or a fresh newborn...

Send them well.

Bless them.
Pray for them.
Celebrate them.
Tell them that they will always be welcomed back, even if only for a visit.

The munchkin drop-off point

I've written about drop out points in youth/young adult ministry previously. Currently, my wife and I are in the middle of the oldest, and previously unmentioned, one.

Having a young child.

This drop out (or as it has happened with us - drop off) point arises in a lot of churches with differently-focused evening and morning services. In fact, young families will inevitably face this problem if the service in the morning and evening don't both cater to families with babies or toddlers.

Why?

It all has to do with toddlers needing routine. Break the routine and it can throw out the rhythm of the next two days. For us, our little one's bedtime is somewhere between 6:30-7:15pm. My churches evening service starts at 6:30.

Sense the problem?

I would suggest that most evening services, at least initially, are catered towards teens or actual young adults. Thus, they aren't set up for young kids.

But, as the years pass and the "clientele" advance in life stages towards parenthood, some will notice that "their" service no longer suits their needs.

So, in order to fit around their offspring's sleep patterns, they need to attend church in the morning.

But what happens if they don't feel like they fit into the morning service since they've never made a cross-congregation connection or the earlier service isn't appropriate because it's "classic" church with a "quite mature" average attender?

Fortunately, this isn't a problem in many churches since they have some form of "contemporary family service." But this isn't always the case, particularly if a successful youth ministry starts in evening service BECAUSE they wouldn't fit into what is provided in the morning.

Does a young family screw up their child's sleep pattern weekly?Do they "suffer" through a morning service which they don't connect with?
Does only one parent attend church, alternating, whilst the other looks after the munchkin?
Or, do they go to another, family friendlier, church?

Losing the church in the "divorce"

Year 6...
Year 7...
Baptism/Confirmation...
Year 9-10...
Year 12...
First year university...
Getting married...
Once you become a parent...

I've written about the drop out points in youth and young(ish) adult ministry before.
Lots.

Some drop out point are caused by life change...
Ending primary school.
Starting high school.
Starting higher education.
You "graduate" from a group.
Moving out.
Starting a family.

Others develop relationally...
Your friendship group changes.
You get married.

In this later category, another reason can emerge.

Breaking up.

Whenever a church-going couple break up, it's not unusual for one side of the pairing to "get" the church in the ''division of assets."

For some, it will be that they attended the church for the least amount of time, thus they feel relationally squeezed out.
For others, it will be that they are "at fault" for the break up and will feel uncomfortable, even judged, at church.
In some rare cases, in order to allow one member of the former-couple to stay connected, the other will volunteer to step aside and go somewhere else.

This is the risk when two people date, no matter how well they swear to "purposely uncouple."

Finishing lines?

You may notice that, with fatherhood, my posts are slightly less frequent and posted progressively later at night.

With that said, on with today's Ramble...

When I made my list of youth ministry drop out points, I missed one. Confirmation and baptism.

I've seen it before and heard about it happening at plenty of other churches.
Confirming or baptising young people out of the church...

Today I was thinking about the drop out points and how they might come about. One thing which sprung to mind was the, sometimes unhelpful, segmentation of our activities.

You "graduate" from kids club.
You "grow out" of youth group.
You "become" the demographic of a alternative church service.
You "achieve" the piece of paper.

If we set up a system where you can "finish," then is there any reason why we are surprised if people leave once "completed"?

Jenga faith should be welcome

A few weeks ago I heard the best description of how “emergent faith” is developed and the primary reason to those between the ages of 12-25 walk away from God and the church. In fact, it's so good that I'm taking all the young adults at church through it individually.

It all has to do with the game Jenga.

You know the game...

It isn’t complex. You begin with a tower made of 54 finger-sized wooden blocks. In turn, you remove a block, placing it on the top of the tower. With time, this become increasingly difficult and, inevitably, someone losses the game once they knock the tower down.

The way Jenga was used to describe young spirituality, reflects what I’ve seen and have mentioned as the “drop out points of youth/young adult ministry.”

Predictably, there are events/times when a young person is more likely to disengage with faith – year 6, year 7, year 9/10, baptism/confirmation, year 12, first year of university, moving out of home, getting married, having a child and a relationship breaking up.

Some drop out point are caused by life change...
Ending primary school.
Starting high school.
Starting higher education.
You "graduate" from a group.
Moving out.
Starting a family.

Others develop relationally...

Your friendship group changes.

Peer pressure increases.

There's awkwardness caused by being in the same group as your ex.
You get married.

 

Put simply, there are times when life will change and a young person will need to decide, once again, if God/church/youth group still belong in the “Jenga tower” that is the life they have built. At various junctions, life will give everyone opportunities to consider the numerous wooden blocks which make up their “Jenga tower.” At these moments a person will decide that the block belongs - remaining a part of their tower, no longer belongs - and is tossed away or will be held in tension.

Do you retain the belief that God loves you when your mum gets cancer?

Do your principals about sex, sexuality, friendship and alcohol stay the same in light of what those around you are doing?

Do you still believe the bible is true when you hear it get verbally bashed at university?

Will you keep attending church if you date someone who isn’t a believer?

As you can probably see, this isn’t just a struggle that teens and “emerging adults” need to wrestle with.

 

But the important message these age groups don’t hear loud or clear enough is that you’re still welcome no matter what your “Jenga tower” looks like.

If it feels totally destroyed due to tragedy impacting your life… you’re welcome in the midst of your pain.

If you aren’t sure about what you believe… bring your struggles and doubts with you to church… they are welcome.

If you’ve deliberately discarded the “God stuff” from your tower… you’re always welcome at church.

The message of welcomeness, irrespective of what makes up your “tower,” is a powerful one.

One that young people, especially, need to hear.

And just maybe, a message that some older folk could use as well…

The culture of leaving

Over the last few days I've been thinking about the "drop out points" in youth ministry.

In my mind they are... End of year 6/start of year 7. Year 9. End of year 12. First year uni. Moving out/getting married.

The first two surround changing schools or social circles. In year 9 you start to encounter the pressures of sex, drug and alcohol, which again come to the forefront in year 12/turning 18. By the time you leave school you have the issues of moving away from your church due to lifestyle change or financial nessesity.

Of course the issues are more complex, and i only glossed over them, but i think there is another, underlying problem (the title of this post should give it away!).

It may sound simple, but if the expectation of the leaders or kids (spoken or unspoken) is that you up and leave at one of the drop out points, then you will more likely to find the exit door at some point.

It's a tough nut to crack. Some kids will leave. As they mature and "find themselves" they may think that the "whole Christian thing" isn't for them. That's their choice.

I think it's sad when kids/young adults walk away from church when a better offer comes along.. be it new friends, sex, drugs, the pub...

Sad, because loosing kids suck. Sad, because kids follow the example of those who go before them. Sad, because on many fronts youth ministry will never compete on a level footing with many other Friday night alternatives. Finally... Sad because it doesn't change until someone decides to take a stance and stick around.

The weakest reason to leave

After writing yesterdays rambling on youth ministry drop outs another occurred to me.

Not a drop out point for kids, but a drop out point for leaders.

Get ready... This rant is going to be a goodie...

The WEAKEST, LOUSIEST, WORST time to leave is during a transition of leadership. I think youth group leaders can see the loss of a youth minister as a prime opportunity to "step down from leading."

This sucks.

Firstly, it weakens the leadership if no immediate replacement if found (not to mention the message it sends to the kids).

Secondly, it creates unnecessary disruption for the new person.

The new person steps into a new position having to deal with issues he/she know little background with people he/she barely knows. In too many occasions the fact-finding missions can be an avenue to gossip about the person who has "jumped ship."

Finally, leaving when the youth minister departs shows a lack of maturity and commitment to the ministry. Were you there because you liked the guy up front or because you enjoyed serving God through ministering to these kids?

Was I a little harsh? Maybe... maybe not.

You don't have to be full time

Yesterday i said that, given enough time, the majority of youth ministry leaders drop out. They may not want to cease leading, but life gets in the way.

One reason leaders drop out, in my opinion, is the unspoken expectation that comes with youth ministry leadership.

The expectation? You must be there every week. You must be fully committed. You must be totally plugged in. You must be full time.

Trouble is, this isn't for everyone. For some, life makes this near impossible (despite how much they may want to be involved, care about the ministry and love the kids involved).

Perhaps youth ministry leadership should fall into four categories...

1 - Those who can commit to be highly involved. They are there every week and actively plan, lead and reflect on what happens each week.

2 - Those who are more than happy and capable to be there each week, but don't have the resources or time to be involved in the behind-the-scenes planning.

3 - Those who you call on when you need extra. Extra transport. Extra cooks. An extra set of eyes at a big event.

4 - Brain-pickers and resource-rs. Those who have a good grasp of the experiences and culture of the church. These people will be an honest sounding board and are willing to dip into their wallet to make sure that it moves forward.

These last two spots can be perfectly filled by ex-leaders who had to stop due to the business of life, but still care deeply for the kids.

Moving the starting blocks

I just got back from the National Youthy Ministry Conference, so there will be a flood of posts coming in compared to the last few months...

12-18.
Probably 12-25.

These are the ages which are on job descriptions for most youth ministers.

I've written about the drop out points in youth ministry previously.

With the first one soo young (year 6), it makes sense for those who work with teens to lower the age they begin to interact with "teens."

If one of the reasons those about to transition into high school drop out is due to the disconnection with the older activities, then time invested in tweens is time well invested.

Accessing the youth ministry database of resources

As another term winds down my head is starting to turn towards term 3 and what we'll be doing in the children's & youth ministries.

For one, the youth ministry, the outline of a program was already planned coming out of the last leader's weekend.

Alternatively, for the kids club, the program still needs to drop out of my brain.

But I've got plenty of time, previous programs and germinating ideas to ensure it happens.

BUT... what if... and I'm not trying to encourage laziness...
Each denomination had a central resource where local youth ministries placed their old programs for others and see and tweak?

Sure, there are professional organisations who sell packaged programs, but what about a "regular, on the ground, tried and tested" database?

In part, this is born out of two things.

First, I (and every youth/children's worker) have OODLES of old stuff I've produced. And, mostly, it just sits dormant in a filing cabinet or trapped within the complex labyrinth of a "youth ministry computer."

Surely there can be a better use for it then that.

And second, going on from my last post, if the resources were from other local youth ministries then you could a) have a chat with someone and find out what "actually" worked and what flopped and b) the resource will not only be tested, but tried in a context which somewhat matches your own.

Again, I'm not wanted to foster a culture of laziness or a-simple-cut-and-paste-job-will-do attitude, but a bigger Kingdom impact can surely be made with the stuff we've already done and won't revisit until another generation of youngsters arises.

The year that DOESN'T leave

Today my guest post is meant to go up on More Than DodgeBall. It's not posted as I type this and I'm assuming that the reason isn't anything worrisome (like the rapture has happened and I missed out...).

If you're one of my regular readers, head on over and check it out here.

If you're new here because of the post... WELCOME.

Now onto today's thought...

"I'm at that age/year in school when people usually stop coming."

Youth ministry has a number of distinct drop out points. Some are unavoidable and it sucks to lose people who have to stop coming due to changed circumstances.

Some are times when a convenient excuse arises to stop attending. You can serve them and support them as best you can, but plenty of teens take the chance.

The thing that makes it tremendously difficult to keep kids is a previously established culture of leaving (like the post I linked to said). You are fighting an uphill battle when younger kids have previously seen their peeps periodically walk out the door.

Eventually, there needs to be a generation that doesn't hit the exit in year 9. There needs to be a bunch of teens that don't slam the "eject button" in year 11 and model faithful attendance an a strong faith.

Not only will it help their faith journey (der!), but it will send a powerful message to the kids who look up to them. That message? Being connected to people of faith is more important than sex, booze, parties and exams.

Often, all it needs is one generation to show the way...

Generating cheesy consumers

I give out a love of crap at my church. Much of it good fun. But in the cold light of day it is really useless, cheap crap. Useless, cheap crap that may possibly have the letters JESUS or GOD on the side.

Whistles, lights, bells, puzzles, bouncy balls, kazoos, eye patches, pencils... all cheesy christian crap.

Sometimes I wonder if it is doing more harm than good.

When I arrived at my current job they ended each term with a game that gave away these sorts of prizes. I thought it was not harmful, so I continued the trend.

By the end of 2011 I started to taper off the presents.

The reason?

They were costing a heap of coin, they didn't really achieve anything, the prizes usually annoyed the leaders (and parents!) and, finally, they have a danger of creating a spirit of entitlement.

For better or worse, youth ministry continually flirts with creating this spirit.

We cater our programs to the kids.
We model our activity space to be as pleasing as possible.
We provide everything with as little fuss to the kids as is reasonable.

Perhaps this is one of the reasons why the drop-out rate is significant once teens pop-out-the-top-of-the-system and this pandering ceases?

The trouble generation

Year 6.
The junior boys.
The senior girls.
Year 12.
University Students.
Young Families.
Baby Boomers.

Due to the imperfect cyclic nature of ministry - with any age of people - things will not always work out as you might envisage.

In youth ministry, there's almost always a gap year. No matter what shape of funnel you use to draw in, nurture and disciple young people, few churches have a perfect attraction, flow and retention.

For whatever reason - there's a falling out between the popular kid and the leaders, your primary source of children has an unusually small year, your church is struck by a scandal which takes a few years to recover, a large year vanishes at one of the drop out points - it's not uncommon to find a mini-generation gap of a year to two.

When this develops, or you step into a church where this is apparent, three problems lurk on the horizon.

As the generation gap entrenches, the likelihood of attracting and retaining those within that age-bracket shrinks.
As the generation gap matures, they leave a diminished example for the younger years.
As the generation gap gets older, they affect your pool of potential leaders.

Of course, this happens beyond youth ministries.

The generation gap hits churches and entire denominations.

And, on a larger scale, the same three problems lurk...

Could the old dog butt out?

Lately I've been thinking quite a bit about the youth minister I had when I was a teen.

I haven't had any contact with him for approximately a decade, which makes it mind-blowing when I hear that his kids are now teenagers (surely I can't be THAT old!?!).

I wonder, what would he think if I were in charge of his kids youth group?

Would he be proud?
Would he be surprised?
Would he be intimidated?
Would he want to reconnect or avoid me altogether?
Would he want to chat about my "philosophy of ministry?"

Would he be overly critical since he has intimate knowledge "of the business" and a good idea of how things "should" work?

I ask the last one since, I fear, I would run everything Hanna's future youth minister does through the potentially damaging this-is-the-way-I-would-have-done-it filter. I can already tell that I will get frustrated if events weren't processed in light of the considerations before you go and the advertising checklist.

But, would I want to "chat" about the long-term direction, vision and purpose of the ministry, or could I just let go?

Would I be able to keep my nose out of things if I saw kids vulnerable at the drop out points?

I short, would I offer myself as an asset, or be a giant pain in the a$$?

The two hobby horses I ride

In light of my last post about the timing of ministers introducing their personal hobby horses, I've been wondering what hobby horses I've got.

When I reflect on the talks I've given, topics I go out of my way to teach on and angles I make sure to include when applicable, a few spring to mind.

Obviously, the first would be ministry to young people. But, this seems far too generic.

More specially, I could focus in on youth ministry leadership or effective communication.

But, when I think of the topics I continually circle back to on this blog, two spring to mind.

The first are the drop out points within churches for young people. I've mentioned this topic a lot, building upon it over the years.

The second is one that I've pondered a plenty. It's resulted in some of my most controversial opinions, my most viewed posts and most confronting conversations during my time in ministry.

I've read a whole lot about porn, both from a Christian and a secular perspective, and the damaging impact it has on those who consume and, in general, produce porn.

And if you want me to fire up about a topic, these are the two hobby horses which I'll jump on board and quickly ride into town.

College connection responsibility

To start, Australian's don't go to college. At least not in the same fashion as they do in the US. Generally, Aussies go to a relatively close university, not a college hours away.

But sitting beside my desk at work is a curriculum from a church in The States that tackles the issue of kids embarking on their college years and moving away from their church home (I would post a link, but it is a draft for limited distribution).

It made me wonder how responsible the Youth Minister is when it comes to the second last drop out point of youth ministry.

This curriculum was unapologetic in it's nature. It said that following Jesus would be extremely tough without being a part of a faith community.

So, again unapologetically, it spelt out what one should look for in a church and how they could connect with one on campus (complete with a bunch of links that the group look at together).

Personally, i like it.

I like that this issue it dealt with in the open.
I like how the curriculum shows that the past and the next step are important.
I like how this shows that the faith journey of the young person continues beyond the home church.

Ultimately, it is the responsibility of the individual to connect with any group, but at least they can't say that a solid springboard wasn't placed before them.

Passing advice

Yesterday there was a funeral for one of the older gents at church. As i sat in the memorial service i thought back to Dad's service and what advice i would give when someone loses a family member or someone close to them.

Reflecting since February (when Dad died), i would say the following...

1 - Feel how you want to feel. If you want to cry. Do it. If you don't feel like you want to burst into a fit of weeping, that's okay too. Don't feel that you need to be a textbook example of the six stages of grief. This can go for other friends and family as well.

2 - Talk to people who care for you and it will be safe to feel however you feel.

3 - Stay close. Proximity and physical presence is important after a time of loss. Drop by other members of your family. Do it a lot. Just being there will help them and it will help you.

4 - It's alright to stop. The world will still function while you deal with your loss. It's okay to take a break from it all and do point #2 & 3.

5 - Avoid doing anything foolish, dangerous or life changing. Don't drive at 150km/hr, go on a three day bender, do drugs or commit arson. Don't quit your job, drop out of University or break up with your partner. Process what you have gone through before making changes.

6 - You will have immediate and later reminders. In the first week there will be a void. Even if it's trivial. You will notice and it's fine to be sad in these times.

But you will keep encountering reminders of the person whose died. You will find their wedding ring. You will hear their voice in the background of a video. You will see pictures of them. You're Niece will say his name and be able to point at him.

You will miss the person at these times too. That's okay.