The reason people leave that we MUST speak about

Youth ministry drop out points. Again.

I keep returning to this topic because, first of all, it keeps entering my mind. I think about it a lot.

Second, the issue matters. Those who are connected to the church - never mind in vocational ministry - must care about those within the church. This, inevitably, will involve those who transition out of the church.

Third, I genuinely believe that this is a topic that demands to be spoken about. It matters. And enough people don’t think about it or speak about it.

So…here we are again.

But, I also keep returning to this topic because I keep discovering ways that I’ve undersold it. For, it is much bigger, deeper and more complex topic which a series of ages, life stages, or relational steps won’t cover.

And this drop out point is dark.

It is painful.

It is devastating.

Abuse.

Physical.

Sexual.

Spiritual.

This is a drop out point that is self-inflicted by the church.

And, it is one that can result in the door of the church being permanently closed.

But, it exists.

Shamefully.

And, it must be spoken about.

To do otherwise would be to continue a history of silence, wilful ignorance and cover-up.

So… while it hurts to say, abuse must be a factor adding to those leaking out the back door of the church.

The victims.

Their family.

Their friends.

The drop-out commonality

I’ve thought about drop out points in ministry a lot. I’ve written about them a lot.

But one thing I’ve not really thought too much about, when it comes to the expanding list of ministry weak-points, is what these drop out points have in common.

Isolation.

No matter if it is due to life transition or the awkwardness created because you’ve broken up with your partner, the opportunity to drop out arises once you become disconnected.

And this disconnection leads to two connected consequences.

1 - You’re not pursued.

2 - You’re unchecked.

In short, no one will call you and you can now do whatever you want.

For, when you get isolated, fewer people are intentionally checking up on you and, thus, accountability wains.

This is what enables young adults to drift away.

This is what allows those who move suburbs to not find a new church.

This is what lays the platform for the newly-dumped boyfriend to leave.

Why knowing what you, and others, are known for matters

Drop out points in youth ministry.

Spiritual gifts.

Apologetics.

Sex and relationships.

Ministry to young men.

Youth leader training.

Principals of preaching and communication.

These are some of the things I was known for during my ministry career.

I could speak on them confidently, and I hope, helpfully.

On occasions, I would be brought in to lead other groups in these areas.

But, there were some things that I didn’t specialise in. Anything but.

Worship leading.

Social justice.

Pastoral care.

Sure, I could talk about these topics, but I knew others who had a passion for them.  They could talk your ear off for hours.

And, when I wanted to help others in these areas, I would direct them to someone who specialised in that area.

This is the advantage of knowing the strengths of those around you. 

After all, no one should be committed to doing ministry alone.

A church must have a plan to send well

I sometimes feel that this blog could be titled “Ramblings about Youth and Young Adult Ministry Drop Out Points.” I write about them a lot.

Some drop out points are initiated by life change alone.

No underlying animosity.
No awkwardness.

In fact, some drop out points should be celebrated like getting married or the birth of a child.

In light of this, every young adult ministry must have a strategy for these transitions. 

In short, they must have an aim to send well.

If it’s sending them to another church, be it down the road or the one that their new spouse already attends...
If it’s sending them abroad to study...
If it’s releasing them from some of their ministry commitments due to full-time work or a fresh newborn...

Send them well.

Bless them.
Pray for them.
Celebrate them.
Tell them that they will always be welcomed back, even if only for a visit.

The two hobby horses I ride

In light of my last post about the timing of ministers introducing their personal hobby horses, I've been wondering what hobby horses I've got.

When I reflect on the talks I've given, topics I go out of my way to teach on and angles I make sure to include when applicable, a few spring to mind.

Obviously, the first would be ministry to young people. But, this seems far too generic.

More specially, I could focus in on youth ministry leadership or effective communication.

But, when I think of the topics I continually circle back to on this blog, two spring to mind.

The first are the drop out points within churches for young people. I've mentioned this topic a lot, building upon it over the years.

The second is one that I've pondered a plenty. It's resulted in some of my most controversial opinions, my most viewed posts and most confronting conversations during my time in ministry.

I've read a whole lot about porn, both from a Christian and a secular perspective, and the damaging impact it has on those who consume and, in general, produce porn.

And if you want me to fire up about a topic, these are the two hobby horses which I'll jump on board and quickly ride into town.

The older generation's secret faith vs today's share-everything compulsion

This morning, after church, I was involved in an interesting discussion about evangelism and the mainline church. It was pointed out, I feel correctly, that older generations - which make up the vast majority of mainline denominations - largely see their faith as a deeply personal thing.

This, it was proposed, is a genuine reason for the stagnation of more traditional denominations.

With the drop in culture-based obligated attendance, the way the primarily church grows is due to faith sharing evangelism. Amongst the older generations, as a sweeping generalization, this does not happen freely.

As I pondered this, I wondered if this is positively counteracted by the social-media-driven oversharing of today's generation.

In the past, when a person went to church, or had a significant experience, they might keep it to themselves or only disclose it to those who they felt would be "accepting" or "safe."

Nowadays, everyone knows. Instantly.

You post pictures.
You live tweet the conference.
You take a selfie.
You tag your location.

And all your friends know...
And your family...
And the people you used to go to school with...
And your workmates...
And your random acquaintances.

All 1000 of your "friends" can potentially "see" your faith experiences.

On top of the status of your religious views.

And the "motivational quotes" you post by C.S. Lewis.

And the fact that you follow Tiny Bible Bits (I'll admit that this is a cheap plug) and like your favourite bible teachers and ministries.

Today, due to the "negative" that we compulsively feel the need to post everything since we would hate for anyone to miss a morsel of your existence, is this a hidden evangelistic treasure?

Now, there are plenty of reasons why the mainline denominations are faltering - lack of engagement during services, not utilizing modern technology, past mistakes ignored or covered over, an old-fashioned stance on many hot button issues, and many, many more - but, if the church is grown one person at a time, through personal invitation, then the introverted nature of the older generations, in regards to faith, may be a genuine contributing factor that doesn't get enough air-time.

The checking-out signs

I've written about youth/young adult drop out points and those who leave/are considering leaving the church a significant amount.

Why? Because it happens all too often.

If you hang around a church long enough, other people will leave. Some will leave well, others will not.

Chances are, given enough time, you'll also transition through a church or two.

But the decision to leave is not always an abrupt choice. It comes in stages and with warning signs.

For, before people drop out, they usually start to check out...

They check out financially - they stop giving or purposely redirect their gifts to "certain areas."
They check out intellectually - they stop engaging their mind and go into screen-saver mode during sermons.
They check out relationally - they disconnect from people at church, only engaging in safe small-talk.
They check out emotionally - they stop caring about the vision or the overall well-being of the church.

All these can, and normally do, happen well before someone drops out physically.

Could the old dog butt out?

Lately I've been thinking quite a bit about the youth minister I had when I was a teen.

I haven't had any contact with him for approximately a decade, which makes it mind-blowing when I hear that his kids are now teenagers (surely I can't be THAT old!?!).

I wonder, what would he think if I were in charge of his kids youth group?

Would he be proud?
Would he be surprised?
Would he be intimidated?
Would he want to reconnect or avoid me altogether?
Would he want to chat about my "philosophy of ministry?"

Would he be overly critical since he has intimate knowledge "of the business" and a good idea of how things "should" work?

I ask the last one since, I fear, I would run everything Hanna's future youth minister does through the potentially damaging this-is-the-way-I-would-have-done-it filter. I can already tell that I will get frustrated if events weren't processed in light of the considerations before you go and the advertising checklist.

But, would I want to "chat" about the long-term direction, vision and purpose of the ministry, or could I just let go?

Would I be able to keep my nose out of things if I saw kids vulnerable at the drop out points?

I short, would I offer myself as an asset, or be a giant pain in the a$$?

The trouble generation

Year 6.
The junior boys.
The senior girls.
Year 12.
University Students.
Young Families.
Baby Boomers.

Due to the imperfect cyclic nature of ministry - with any age of people - things will not always work out as you might envisage.

In youth ministry, there's almost always a gap year. No matter what shape of funnel you use to draw in, nurture and disciple young people, few churches have a perfect attraction, flow and retention.

For whatever reason - there's a falling out between the popular kid and the leaders, your primary source of children has an unusually small year, your church is struck by a scandal which takes a few years to recover, a large year vanishes at one of the drop out points - it's not uncommon to find a mini-generation gap of a year to two.

When this develops, or you step into a church where this is apparent, three problems lurk on the horizon.

As the generation gap entrenches, the likelihood of attracting and retaining those within that age-bracket shrinks.
As the generation gap matures, they leave a diminished example for the younger years.
As the generation gap gets older, they affect your pool of potential leaders.

Of course, this happens beyond youth ministries.

The generation gap hits churches and entire denominations.

And, on a larger scale, the same three problems lurk...

The inside line of ministry

He's going to ask her out...
She's going to break up with him...
Someone's thinking of leaving the church...
A staff member's going to resign...
Money has gone missing...
An abuse scandal's about it hit...

When you work for a church, sometimes - due to your position, you get the inside line for information, getting advanced warning of an impending problem.

And then a weird chain-of-events takes place...

You're made aware of a problem...
You begin to mentally process the potential fallout...

Then, eventually, you witness the problem drop...
And then you see everyone else go through a similar process to the one you've wrestled with, and potentially resolved, earlier.

The benefit of the inside line is that, in order to support others effectively, the event is not as raw or out-of-the-blue.
And, you have the opportunity to secure resources as you process your own thoughts and feelings.

Geographic faith

Some people identify their faith with  group of people, usually family members, lone-time friends or ministers. One way to tell if someone has a person-focused faith is the way they respond once their faith-identifier abandons their faith or leaves a local church. If this is the case, then a person's faith will get severely rocked when their faith-anchor is cut away.

But how many Christians have a geo-focused faith?

What proportion of people's faith is based almost entirely upon their "home church" and little else.

I ask because I feel it explains one of the drop out points for emergent adults - They away from home.

For those who have a geographic faith, they'll have a narrow idea of church and a short dose of perseverance with new churches.

Unfortunately, when they are combined, they result in isolated Christians faith growing cold to the point of extinction.

Jenga faith should be welcome

A few weeks ago I heard the best description of how “emergent faith” is developed and the primary reason to those between the ages of 12-25 walk away from God and the church. In fact, it's so good that I'm taking all the young adults at church through it individually.

It all has to do with the game Jenga.

You know the game...

It isn’t complex. You begin with a tower made of 54 finger-sized wooden blocks. In turn, you remove a block, placing it on the top of the tower. With time, this become increasingly difficult and, inevitably, someone losses the game once they knock the tower down.

The way Jenga was used to describe young spirituality, reflects what I’ve seen and have mentioned as the “drop out points of youth/young adult ministry.”

Predictably, there are events/times when a young person is more likely to disengage with faith – year 6, year 7, year 9/10, baptism/confirmation, year 12, first year of university, moving out of home, getting married, having a child and a relationship breaking up.

Some drop out point are caused by life change...
Ending primary school.
Starting high school.
Starting higher education.
You "graduate" from a group.
Moving out.
Starting a family.

Others develop relationally...

Your friendship group changes.

Peer pressure increases.

There's awkwardness caused by being in the same group as your ex.
You get married.

 

Put simply, there are times when life will change and a young person will need to decide, once again, if God/church/youth group still belong in the “Jenga tower” that is the life they have built. At various junctions, life will give everyone opportunities to consider the numerous wooden blocks which make up their “Jenga tower.” At these moments a person will decide that the block belongs - remaining a part of their tower, no longer belongs - and is tossed away or will be held in tension.

Do you retain the belief that God loves you when your mum gets cancer?

Do your principals about sex, sexuality, friendship and alcohol stay the same in light of what those around you are doing?

Do you still believe the bible is true when you hear it get verbally bashed at university?

Will you keep attending church if you date someone who isn’t a believer?

As you can probably see, this isn’t just a struggle that teens and “emerging adults” need to wrestle with.

 

But the important message these age groups don’t hear loud or clear enough is that you’re still welcome no matter what your “Jenga tower” looks like.

If it feels totally destroyed due to tragedy impacting your life… you’re welcome in the midst of your pain.

If you aren’t sure about what you believe… bring your struggles and doubts with you to church… they are welcome.

If you’ve deliberately discarded the “God stuff” from your tower… you’re always welcome at church.

The message of welcomeness, irrespective of what makes up your “tower,” is a powerful one.

One that young people, especially, need to hear.

And just maybe, a message that some older folk could use as well…

How groups are formed and change

At the leader's weekend just passed, I took my youth group leaders through a process I was shown this week, thinking about the nature and dynamics of any group they're involved with.

To begin, each group has a script which verbally and non-verbally, outlines what they are about and why they do what they do.

For example, a church might emphasise evangelism and inclusion, while a rugby club will focus in on rugby (der!) and binge drinking.

This script will be enforced by a number of Socialising Agents.

For example, this might include the coach and captain of a sports team, the minister, treasurer and church council/deacons within a church and the youth minister/leadership team at a youth group.

Now, as anyone who's thought about the dynamics of a group will be aware, Socializing Agents extend beyond those who have a corner office or are on the payroll. Often, there will be those who wield power and influence, usually deferred by years of inclusion or wisdom. For example, the "legends" of the golf club or the "gatekeepers" of the church, those who've been around forever and are the first people you contact if you need information or "really" want something to happen.

Then, if someone decides they want to join the group, they'll need to chance their behaviors and adjust some beliefs in order to fit into the agreed script of the group.

For example, if you join a netball team, you'll need to listen to the coach and attend training and matches. If you're leading a youth group, there should be explained expectations you need to meet such as showing a genuine interest in the life of the teens.

Within each group, according to how the script is followed, there will then be rewards and punishments, usually boiling down to inclusions and exclusions.

For example, the alpha-female of a friendship group may invite someone to a party or "accidently" forget to tell someone about it due to their "obedience" to the script. Elsewhere, the footy coach might deny a player a starting position due to their lackluster training or promote a player ahead of another due to their mid-week efforts.

In turn, participants within the group will accommodate or imitate the outcomes of a groups script in order to be a fully included member.

Over time, a teen will either learn to get involved in (or at least tolerate!) bible discussions and times of prayer, or else they'll decide they don't belong. 

If one does decide to plug into a group, an individual can then start to shape the wider group, having deserved the right to contribute.

Finally, these assimilated members will advance and enforce the script of the group, molding it if needed, even transitioning into fresh Socialising Agents themselves.

This explanation of how groups develop, people are integrated and evolve, is the best way I've heard for the reasons the youth/young adult drop out points emerge.

How my week breaks down

I don't get asked how I spend my time as much as this guy but occasionally I am asked who I whittle away my week...


Monday - 1 Hour (excluding study)

Normally this is a day off, but currently is taken with study and then a Greek lecture for the second last subject of my Bachelor of Theology.
If I'm preaching on the Sunday, which I do fortnightly, I'll start looking at the passage.
One thing I have to do is the devotion for Tiny Bible Bits.

Tuesday - 4-6 Hours

This is the day I do some basic admin (emails/phone calls) and finishing touches for the week's primary school scripture lessons.
Create the week's to-do list.
If I'm preaching then I'll start the exegetical work this day.
Formally, the middle of this day was occupied with high school scripture lessons.
Occasionally I'll drop by the evening young adult small group/bible study.

Wednesday - 6-9 Hours

Kick off with two scripture lessons followed by a staff meeting.
Do basic admin and produce any promotional notes to be given out that week.
Organize the basic structure for the upcoming Friday, finding or reminding leaders what they will be responsible for.
Send electronic promotions for the youth group.
If not already done, write the talk for youth group and produce the small group questions.
Send small group questions to youth leaders.
If need, finish off the exegetical prep for Sunday.
Do the Tiny Bible Bit.
It won't be unusual to have a meeting (supervision, regional planning, peer support, church council) sometime this day/night.

Thursday - 6-9 Hours

Again, start with two scripture lessons.
Start to plan the scripture lessons for the following week.
Do basic admin including producing the run sheets and PowerPoint for the following day.
Write the Kid's Club talk for tomorrow.
Arrange Sunday morning helpers, activities and write "kid's talk."
By now, any impending sermon should have the outline set on stone and the manuscript drafted.

Friday - 10-13 Hours

Purchase the supper for the evening and anything needed for the day's activities.
Set up the church/hall for Kid's Club.
Do basic admin.
Lead Kid's Club, running an activity and giving the talk.
Set up for youth group.
Have Youth Group, usually giving the talk.
Do the Tiny Bible Bit.

Saturday - 0-2 Hours

Ideally, this is a day off but, depending how I feel about the sermon prep already done, I'll further work on the manuscript and PowerPoint.

Sunday - 10-13 Hours

Morning Church - Usually giving the kid's talk and running activities for the older kids.
Reconfigure the church for the evening service.
Reflect on Friday night, logging what happened and attendance.
Do the PowerPoint for the evening service.
Evening service, which I'll lead/preach.


I an ideal world, my week ranges from 37-53 hours per week.
This year, I've stretched from 29.5 (during school holidays) to 53.5 hours.

You may notice that I don't have any dedicated time set aside for long range projects. That was one thing I appreciated from the article I mentioned earlier. I just slot it in the to-do list and opportunistically see if I get around to it.

Losing the church in the "divorce"

Year 6...
Year 7...
Baptism/Confirmation...
Year 9-10...
Year 12...
First year university...
Getting married...
Once you become a parent...

I've written about the drop out points in youth and young(ish) adult ministry before.
Lots.

Some drop out point are caused by life change...
Ending primary school.
Starting high school.
Starting higher education.
You "graduate" from a group.
Moving out.
Starting a family.

Others develop relationally...
Your friendship group changes.
You get married.

In this later category, another reason can emerge.

Breaking up.

Whenever a church-going couple break up, it's not unusual for one side of the pairing to "get" the church in the ''division of assets."

For some, it will be that they attended the church for the least amount of time, thus they feel relationally squeezed out.
For others, it will be that they are "at fault" for the break up and will feel uncomfortable, even judged, at church.
In some rare cases, in order to allow one member of the former-couple to stay connected, the other will volunteer to step aside and go somewhere else.

This is the risk when two people date, no matter how well they swear to "purposely uncouple."

The munchkin drop-off point

I've written about drop out points in youth/young adult ministry previously. Currently, my wife and I are in the middle of the oldest, and previously unmentioned, one.

Having a young child.

This drop out (or as it has happened with us - drop off) point arises in a lot of churches with differently-focused evening and morning services. In fact, young families will inevitably face this problem if the service in the morning and evening don't both cater to families with babies or toddlers.

Why?

It all has to do with toddlers needing routine. Break the routine and it can throw out the rhythm of the next two days. For us, our little one's bedtime is somewhere between 6:30-7:15pm. My churches evening service starts at 6:30.

Sense the problem?

I would suggest that most evening services, at least initially, are catered towards teens or actual young adults. Thus, they aren't set up for young kids.

But, as the years pass and the "clientele" advance in life stages towards parenthood, some will notice that "their" service no longer suits their needs.

So, in order to fit around their offspring's sleep patterns, they need to attend church in the morning.

But what happens if they don't feel like they fit into the morning service since they've never made a cross-congregation connection or the earlier service isn't appropriate because it's "classic" church with a "quite mature" average attender?

Fortunately, this isn't a problem in many churches since they have some form of "contemporary family service." But this isn't always the case, particularly if a successful youth ministry starts in evening service BECAUSE they wouldn't fit into what is provided in the morning.

Does a young family screw up their child's sleep pattern weekly?Do they "suffer" through a morning service which they don't connect with?
Does only one parent attend church, alternating, whilst the other looks after the munchkin?
Or, do they go to another, family friendlier, church?

Moving the starting blocks

I just got back from the National Youthy Ministry Conference, so there will be a flood of posts coming in compared to the last few months...

12-18.
Probably 12-25.

These are the ages which are on job descriptions for most youth ministers.

I've written about the drop out points in youth ministry previously.

With the first one soo young (year 6), it makes sense for those who work with teens to lower the age they begin to interact with "teens."

If one of the reasons those about to transition into high school drop out is due to the disconnection with the older activities, then time invested in tweens is time well invested.

Testing the response

I don't think it's too much of an overstatement to say that if you've never played a game of real-life Angry Birds then you're not dong youth ministry correctly.

All it requires is a few different coloured cushions (to be the different birds), some targets to be the pigs (we used cheap cartoon skull-caps) and a HEAP of cardboard boxes.

This term I've played the game twice.

And I've used A LOT of boxes.

So, like anyone in youth ministry, I asked my church for help when in need of ridiculous amounts of a generic item.

And I got a lot of boxes. Some extremely useful. Some... appreciated... but not exactly what I was asking for.

In fact, I had too many boxes. Way too many.

But I didn't withdraw the request for cardboard cubes because I wanted to catch the vibe of my new church.

For this was the first time I'd really requested help of this kind.

Not a request for money.
Not a request which would cost time.
Just a simple request for accessible items.

Now I have a much better idea who is willing to help out.
Now I know who will, some surprisingly, drop off a stack of boxes "because they want to help out."

And, even though I now have a couple of dozen of boxes which I didn't use, I now have a greater awareness of what the response might be the next time I ask for assistance.

Accessing the youth ministry database of resources

As another term winds down my head is starting to turn towards term 3 and what we'll be doing in the children's & youth ministries.

For one, the youth ministry, the outline of a program was already planned coming out of the last leader's weekend.

Alternatively, for the kids club, the program still needs to drop out of my brain.

But I've got plenty of time, previous programs and germinating ideas to ensure it happens.

BUT... what if... and I'm not trying to encourage laziness...
Each denomination had a central resource where local youth ministries placed their old programs for others and see and tweak?

Sure, there are professional organisations who sell packaged programs, but what about a "regular, on the ground, tried and tested" database?

In part, this is born out of two things.

First, I (and every youth/children's worker) have OODLES of old stuff I've produced. And, mostly, it just sits dormant in a filing cabinet or trapped within the complex labyrinth of a "youth ministry computer."

Surely there can be a better use for it then that.

And second, going on from my last post, if the resources were from other local youth ministries then you could a) have a chat with someone and find out what "actually" worked and what flopped and b) the resource will not only be tested, but tried in a context which somewhat matches your own.

Again, I'm not wanted to foster a culture of laziness or a-simple-cut-and-paste-job-will-do attitude, but a bigger Kingdom impact can surely be made with the stuff we've already done and won't revisit until another generation of youngsters arises.

Church & Sunday morning sex

You're busy.

You have kids. They keep you run off your feet. You're out almost every night and then are occupied with multiple sports on a Saturday. 

On top of that, you work hard. You desperately grab a sleep in or an early night whenever the chance arises.

So... Schedule sex with your spouse or it'll drop off the to-do list.

Many relationship advice columns and church pastors recommend this for busy couples.

So, with the majority of other time slots occupied, where does this leave Sunday mornings?

How would the average church feel about a "family" staying home because Mum and Dad have put on a Veggie Tale for the kids and are taking the chance to have a much needed "special hug?"

If a church only provides kids activities on a Sunday morning, are they (sometimes) making parents choose between sex and church?

Would it even occur to a church that this might be one of the competing factors alongside sleeping in and the Sunday papers (or all three for a REALLY good morning!)?

Does sex need to be added to the list of excuses used to skip church?