The 6 horsemen of divorce

As I get older I get increasingly asked about relationships and marriage.

I've blogged about the questions I'd ask a couple before they get hitched here.

As I looked over that list, giving further thought to the traps which can ensnare a couple, the six horsemen of divorce became clear.

Family - How has your upbringing affected you? How do you get along with your in-laws? What are your thoughts about having children?

Expectations - Tying into the topic of family, do you expect that what happened in the home you grew up in to repeat? What do you expect when it comes to housework, provision and in the bedroom?

Values - What do you take into account when you make decisions? Are you aligned spiritually?

Courtship - Are you continually courting your partner? Do you have dates?

Intimacy - This is more than just sex. Are you engaging with your partners love language?

Money - To what extent are you going to share expenses? How will you decide on savings, minor and major expenses? How much will be "your money" and hat will you be accountable for? What is your attitude to debt?

Each horsemen influences the others, and boiled down, nearly all arguments between couples - especially newlyweds - fall into one or more of these categories.

Sermon response

The aim of any sermon is to get some kind of response.
Enlightenment. Repentance. Encouragement. Conviction. Enablement.

And I've been in some sermons where the only response has been boredom.
I've probably caused that reaction a few times...

But I wonder how many people at church are aware that the way they respond to the sermon is a message in itself.

Especially to those who are new to your church or just "checking out the whole God thing."

If you're engaged with the sermon, then it tells those around you that what's going on matters.

If you're disengaged - looking at your phone, speaking to the person beside you, obviously drifting off into space - then it sends the message to those around you that what's going on isn't important.

If we want people to know about the life changing message of Jesus, and one way that message in communicated is via a sermon, then I wonder what a seeker thinks when a believer is outwardly unmoved by what's going on?

What to do with the well-delivered miss?

By now I've listened to many a sermon. Hundreds. Nudging thousands. 

Some have been good, having excellent, relevant points, lifted from the passage.

Most have been adequate. Not overly memorable, but a solid explanation of the passage.

Other sermons haven't been good.
They have rambled and not been applied effectively.

I'm sure I've been guilty of serving up a few of the later. Maybe more than a few.

But there's one sermon which is harder to define.

Usually, these types of sermons are given at a conference when one of the primary speakers applies "their spiel" on the main stage.

What do you do with the sermon, which contains a well delivered point, but isn't connected to the bible passage?

Since the points are commonly derived from a book they've written or a presentation they've delivered many times, the points are made exceptionally well. But they totally ignore or misapply the scriptures.

I think we have little choice but, whilst accepting the point made, place the sermon in the "not good" category.

The reason?

When I hear a sermon, I'm expecting to hear from God based on the scriptures and anything else, whilst flashy, is a fail.

Is burnout always bad?

Burnout in ministry is awful.
It affects WAY too many of those working within churches.

But what would happen if we saw burnout as a God-given sign to slow down?
What would happen if we saw burnout as a God-given sign that you need to stop or you'll lose much more than "your ministry"?
What would happen if we saw burnout as a process, not a destination?

I ask the last question because burnout shouldn't be the end.

What if someone's "burnout" is them taking the healthy step to reduce the stress in their life?
What if someone's "burnout" is them removing themselves from under a crashing weight?
What if someone's "burnout" is them removing unhealthy work practices?

Burnout doesn't have to be absolutely bad IF someone emerges from the other side with a healthier work/life balance, a closer relationship with their family and a renewed heart to serve God.

IF that's the outcome, burnout can be the exact medication required...

"Only 18 months" is Bullshit

If you hear something repeated often enough it can morph into a fact.
This is the whole idea of the TV show hosted by magicians Penn & Teller.

And this duo need to resurrect the show in order to debunk one final lie...

Everywhere you read and go, given enough time in the world of youth ministry, someone will inevitably mention the "statistic" that the average youth minister will stay at a church for 18 months.

I've written here, here and here that longevity matters. So, if the "18 month stat" is factual, then it's doing tremendous damage to the effectiveness of youth ministry.

The only trouble?

The "fact" is bullshit.
And I'm sick of hearing it.

Yeah, I went there.

The reason I say so isn't because I've done extensive research. I haven't. I can't even find any solid numbers (but I'm comfortable with the actual number being around the 4 year mark).
I'm not even going to dispute the reality that a sizable chunk of those in youth ministry don't round out their second year.

BUT...Someone must be honest enough to draw back the curtain on the "fact" which is the foundation of this myth.

The "stat of 18 months" is only factual if everyone included
a) is full-time and
b) sees youth ministry as their long-term profession.

It's wrong to place a full-time youth minister in the same boat as someone working a 15-hour-a-week position (trust me, I've done both) and unrealistic to assume they will be in a church for the same length of time.

Furthermore, it's dishonest to lump those who view youth ministry as profession, trained or being trained to do the vocation, with someone who's doing youth ministry whilst undertaking a separate, unrelated, degree at university.

The "18 month stat" is a falsehood which should be removed from the youth ministry airwaves. All it does is paint a negative picture of those in youth ministry and falsely give those who've cracked their second year a sense of longevity.

Should you shoot at missing targets?

Whenever you write a sermon, ideally, a part of your preparation is made with a few specific people in mind...
People who are different enough to make sure that what you say will speak to a variety of life stages.
People who will ask different questions to the passage before you.
People who need to hear what God's saying through this passage of scripture.

The aim is to ensure that you're message is relevant and applicable.

But what happens when one of your points, crafted with someone in mind, is directed at someone who is absent?

I say you proceed anyway.

It makes sense to go ahead since the person might hear your point through another who is there.
You continue since jettisoning a point should negatively impact the flow of what you're saying.
You go as planned because your point could speak unexpectantly to someone present.
So long as you're speaking God-inspired wisdom, you might be providing a good lesson for someone in the future.

It would be downright unfair to deny someone an important nugget of truth just because the person you visualised in your head did a no-show...

They DO need an introduction

The following phrase should NEVER be uttered in a church service...

"X needs no introduction."

The reason?

Nothing makes someone feel more out of place than being the only one in the room who hasn't got a clue.

So X might not need an introduction...
Unless you're a visitor.

Date the church

Every relationship in life, if it's going to remain healthy, needs work. Both sides need to put in the effort to make the partnership work.

This is true in romance.
This is true amongst families.
This is true amongst friends.

This is true in the church.

Nothing is so self-feeding as people who start to disconnect from church, stating a sense of disconnection.

I say this is self-feeding because those who withdraw from a community (church or otherwise), feeling excluded, further expand the problem by creating further distance. The irony? With further distance making it harder to be included, fewer opportunities to connect are opened up, so a sense of even further disconnection is established.

The reason this disconnection happens because we don't date.

We don't date the church.
The church done not continually woo its people.

If both sides (the importance of BOTH) put in the effort, the I think we'd endure the pain of break-ups far less.

Would anyone notice if you removed one accessory?

When I look back on some of my past sermons I readily acknowledge that I should have pulled the plug earlier.
 
Sometimes I've been boring.
Sometimes I've gone way too long (either the sermon or the entire service).
Sometimes I've over-promised but under-delivered.

This Sunday I'm preaching the final sermon from our Song of Songs series.

While I was recently away at a conference, I went to a effective communication and preaching elective.

In truth, I left underwhelmed.

Whilst the input was solid enough, the way it was delivered, whilst engaging (this bloke was surely a great communicator) seemed to fly in the face of his core "authentic preaching" message.

But, he did say something which pricked my ears.

If you stopped your sermon half way... what would happen?

Would anyone be able to tell?
Is your introduction clear enough that they'd be expecting more?
Would they want/need more?
Would there be a sense of disappointment or thankfulness that you sat down early?

There is a Coco Channel quote which states that when a lady gets dressed, one of the final things she should do is look in the mirror and remove one accessory.

I wonder if preachers should do the same thing with their manuscripts...

Weekly win list

I've written before about having a win list.

In that post I mentioned an important question I asked to kick off our quarterly leaders meeting. In short, we shared the "wins" of the last term.

At the end of our leader's debrief last week I kicked myself because I didn't ask my leaders the same important question.

What was the win of TONIGHT?

For, if the leaders of a group are asked this question each week, sharing their answers with each other, then they should feel more encouraged about what good things are happening. Not having to wait three or six months to hear about the big and small victories.

Teaching young adults about sexuality by outback sheep-herding

Last week I went to an elective at the National Youth Ministry Conference about young adults and sexuality. The presenter made a really good point which, unexpectedly, involved the way they ensure sheep in the outback don't wander away.

When giving "the sex talk" to teens, something I've done quite often and always look forward to, it's good to present clear boundaries.

This mirrors how they keep sheep on farms. In fences.

But it's not the way they do it in the outback.

Instead, they use watering-holes.

For, with an adequate water source, the sheep will not wander away.

The same thing applies when you talk to young adults about their sexuality.

If, instead of just presenting boundaries, you talk about values, then they are far more likely to express their sexuality in a fulfilling, God-designed, manner.

It's in this, more mature, context that your thrust transitions from "can/should" to "the things you will/will not stand for."

Sticking out the milestones

Youth ministry happens over a series of milestones.

First year.
Third year.
Fifth year.
Seventh year.
Tenth year.

Each milestone has unique challenges and up-sides.

It is worth sticking it out at a church in order to reap the benefits.

For, in the first year, you get the lay of the land and can set the foundation for...

The third year, when you've built solid relationships and trust, in order to develop in...

The fifth year, when you'll see the fruit of a solid foundation and established relationships with a generation of kids behind you. This flows into...

The seventh year, where you're leadership development and culture permeates through a generation of leaders who've risen up. Connecting with...

The tenth year. A time when you begin to cycle yourself out of hands-on leadership and focus on a leadership-mentor role.

Moving the starting blocks

I just got back from the National Youthy Ministry Conference, so there will be a flood of posts coming in compared to the last few months...

12-18.
Probably 12-25.

These are the ages which are on job descriptions for most youth ministers.

I've written about the drop out points in youth ministry previously.

With the first one soo young (year 6), it makes sense for those who work with teens to lower the age they begin to interact with "teens."

If one of the reasons those about to transition into high school drop out is due to the disconnection with the older activities, then time invested in tweens is time well invested.

Sexuality idols

Last Sunday the evening service at my church kicked off a series on the Song of Songs. In short, I'm pretty excited to be speaking about the book a couple of times over the next month.

This Sunday I'll be speaking about dating and the value of waiting and putting in the work of courtship which we ready about in 3:5.

As I've been doing prep I noticed three common themes popping up and a common danger for each.

When it comes to orgasms, virginity, honeymoon sex we can drift into idolatry and place these three things above God.

As important as the three subjects are, they are not God.
They are not to be the aim nor guarantee of a quality marriage.

Orgasms are good, but they are not guaranteed for a believer every time.

Virginity is to be valued and honoured but it should be kept in a proper perspective. You're not defined by your sexual purity prior to wedlock.

Just like orgasms, mind-blowing honeymoon sex isn't assured for those who get hitched. No matter how much they love Jesus.

When the church does speak about sex/relationships, and I've written before that it should fairly often (at least yearly), it should be clear about setting realistic expectations for sex and what REALLY matters.

God should be first and foremost, not the three idols which all too often jostle for prime position.

The grass isn't even greener in your head

In ministry you often hear, at the neighbouring church, the grass is NOT greener.

You might imagine it that way, but it isn't the case.

The people aren't nicer.
The politics aren't less.
The opportunities don't arise easier.
The kids aren't more receptive.
The traditions aren't more flexible.
The facilities aren't everything they appear on the outside.

As anyone who has worked for a church, any church, can tell you, every church has its own, unique, crop of problems.

And... deep down... we know that.

But we covert anyway.

But we also play "the grass is greener" game in our minds.
With ourselves and our past.

We wonder if we should have taken the alternate option and walked through that sliding door of ministry past.

We wonder if life would be better if we'd stuck it out just a little longer.
Or had that difficult conversation just a little sooner.
Or focused our efforts in an alternate place.
Of made that change at a different time or in a slightly different way.
Or cared for those people better.
Or caved into their demands just once more.
Or... whatever...

But, just like the church down the road, it's just as harmful to what you have now to be perpetually looking in the rear-view mirror as it is to be gazing over the back fence.

The personal connection chain

Call > Text > Mail > Email > Facebook > Hopeful Osmosis

As you work your way down the communication chain the personal connection reduces.

Normally, at the start of each term I will launch the usual communication deluge through Facebook, Email & Mail.

This term I've encouraged my leaders to touch base using one of the first two links (and I'm hoping they use the first one).

For many in youth ministry, this won't be groundbreaking.

In fact, you might wonder why I wasn't doing this in the past.

I'm wondering it myself.

But, with the leaders getting just a few kids each, I'm hoping this personal connection sees a bump in attendance from the usual first week lull.

When a sermon illustration unfolds before your eyes

Some people don't know it yet, but they are immanent sermon illustrations.

People who make stupid decisions.
People who overcome great obstacles.
People who step out in faith.
People who ignore advice.

At times, you can see a situation unfold and know that you'll inevitably be pointing people back to that time.

All you need to do is wait to be preaching on the right passage and have enough time and space elapsed to reference them.

I assume I'm not the only one who does this...

Remember your...

In the subject I'm doing currently we had a good chat about the sacrament of baptism. It was noted that the church should continually point believers back to their baptism.

It is something they should live out.
It is something they should look back to as the start of a journey.

The same should be true for marriage.

It is something they should live out.
It is something they should look back to as the start of a journey.

This, for those present, is the blessing for those attending.

They remember... And hopefully look to live out the promises they made anew.

Pre-emptive holidays

Right now I'm unshaven. That means, since I only shave when I have an occasion which merits it, I'm on holidays.

The week prior to sitting around and doing nothing special, I had a chat about holidays to a few blokes in ministry, asking them when they were taking time off.

By enlarge, they said they weren't because they didn't feel the need to.

I think they miss the point of holidays.

Holidays, if used wisely, should never be horded for a time when you're in desperate need for them.

If that were the case, holidays would be called casualty leave and the Sabbath commandment would only be cashed once a month.

Holidays are a time to recharge BEFORE your tired or a crisis hits. In fact, it's by taking regular time away that you're in better shape to handle the next unexpected hurdle.

The worst mindset to be trapped in is to be desperately seeking/needing a holiday and knowing that you can't get away for another two months.

When you get to this place...
You lose.
Your family loses.
Your ministry loses.
Your church loses.

Ministry which gets you punched in the head

Sometimes the truth hurts.

Sometimes it hurts those who need to hear it.

Sometimes it hurts those who deliver it.

Sometimes, protecting those you’re called to minister to hurts.

There have been a number of times in ministry when, depending on how events transpire, I've been prepared to be punched in the head whilst doing my job.

If, when having a necessary but difficult conversation, the person lashes out negatively, I've been ready to cop a whack to the side of the head.

At other times, if someone threatening arrived at an event, I've been prepared to duck a right-cross.

A guy might not like hearing that he shouldn't be getting drunk or sleeping with his girlfriend. And he might react by smacking you in the head. So be it.

If a restricted person attempts to attend an event or drunken teens arrive at an activity, upon being asked to leave, the wrongdoer might respond with violence. So be it.

As a bloke, I think this is just one of the risks of messy ministry.